Back on it, Baby!

I have had a busy couple of days Clanettes, and it has been fabulous! 

On Thursday I went back to breastfeeding clinic (Vikki came to hold my hand and I made us late because I was having a flap. Thank you for being so patient!). I managed the whole session - it was manic frankly, and I came straight home and went to bed.  Which was just as well because Vicky (yet again, thank you!) collected me that evening and we trotted down the road to Elle's house. What started as a bit of innocent jelly fish crochet poncho making (they are at a festival this weekend with an under the sea theme and Elle whipped up some costumes.. They look great and will be amazing once she strings them with solar fairy lights!), quickly became a wine and sausage roll party.

I drank far too much wine, and had a ridiculously good time - apologies for my mad ranting about most things ladies! Crochet carnage!

Man oh man I paid for it on Friday morning. I was pretty ruined to be fair, and had to be up sparkly and bright to go and see my consultant and have physio.. Thank goodness Paul had the day off and could get everything ship shape.


Immediately on arrival at the hospital I had more X-rays done - they look exactly the same as the first set I had done as I left hospital. Lets have another look at the cringing photo.

The photo on the left is upside down, but shows a face on view, so the cross strap is actually at the bottom of my spine and makes sure all the screws load bear rather than just one or two. The photo on the right is indeed looking at my spine through my left side. So you can see that I have no flexibility through that part of my spine.

Seeing the consultant was great. He was delighted with my progress and how the bone grafts are healing. He has encouraged me to get back to sports, taking care to go as slowly as I need and to make sure that I lie down and put my spine into neutral if it gets too much. Ultimately, the more active I am, the easier it will get. Music to my ears!

Seeing the Physio immediately afterwards was good - she had me on the stepper and doing all sorts of core strengthening exercises.

So immediately Lucy and I went back to the gym last night, and had a swim. I was hugely nervous. Sunday mornings in the gym are quiet, there are no full time staff around and it is easy to be anonymous. Friday night is not like that. Our gym is small and everyone knows everyone - particularly when you spend as much time there as Lucy and I do (did!) (do!). I don't know why I am so reticent to talk about Spinal Fusion in real life, but I am. Lucy thinks I am silly, and she is probably right. She usually is. I can prattle on til the cows come home on here, my blog, but I find it hard in person. The long and short of it, I suppose, is that I am embarrassed. Who the hell has their spine fused? The whole thing seems so melodramatic.

Anyway. Everyone was suitably interested in my absence, then in my stick and then in 'Spinal Fusion? No way!'. Yes way. Way embarrassing.

I did 15 mins on the elliptical trainer, 15 mins on the bike, 5 mins on the treadmill with a grade 2 incline and then we hit the pool. Ok. What I mean is, limped to the pool. The lifeguards had kindly put the disabled steps out for me and in I got. Lucy, you made the whole experience so much easier for me, you were so confident that it was so normal. Exactly what I needed thank you.
Getting in the pool was weird, almost as if the buoyancy exaggerated everything. Everyone has a spine, and yes you can touch it and feel it, but generally speaking you can't 'feel' your spine. Even beforehand, at the height of my pain, I couldn't 'feel' my spine, just pain in the 'catch' around it. Last night I could feel my spine. There was no pain, the whole thing was pain free, but I was aware of 'scaffolding' holding my spine.. It's hard to describe. I suppose if I describe it by saying that when you wear a glove, your hand can feel the glove and there is no pain, but it isn't like gripping with a normal grasp.. does that make sense?
I know that this weird scaffolding sensation is actually how it feels to be me now, and I know it will become normal, but last night it was weird and together with extra weird rippling water on my weird burning sensation skin, we got out after 6 s l o w lengths.
But I did it. I went to the gym and I went swimming. Then I immediately went to bed and was grateful to sleep like a log and wake up with that 'Yay, its the day after the day after the night before, and I'm not hungover!' feeling.

So there we go. 6 weeks post spinal fusion on Monday and I went to the gym and swam last night. I always joked that I'd be 'Back on it' by 6 weeks. One of those scary, cocky, please be ok jokes. Well this time the joke is not on me. I'm Back on it, baby!

So its Saturday now. It's Beltane weekend, on of our festivals of celebration (Totally missed Ostara whilst I was in hospital!). For the last 10 years we have ALWAYS camped at Beltane (see last year at the bottom of this post here - ironically I also talk about physio for my back! Some things don't appear to change!) and it is weird that this year we aren't camping. In fact everything is pretty normal today. Normal is GOOD! The Bigs have gone to their respective Saturday morning clubs with Paul and Niamh and here I am, blogging.

Bebe is 5 a week on Monday, and as she has shown an interest in a dance class, my parents got her a uniform for her birthday - which she has had early today. She was DELIGHTED!

Happy bank holiday weekend,
Thanks for reading x x

Back in the game

Sunday
4 weeks tomorrow post spinal fusion.

I have struggled mentally over the last few days, and as I can't bear to read depressing blog narrative, I definitely couldn't bring myself to write any. So I thought I would save an update til I felt a little more positive.

On top of my own down beat mood, my mum has been poorly and I have been very anxious for her. She is now on the mend and we are all relived.

So. Ta da! A blog post!

Physio started last Friday. The first appointment was more of an assessment of me physically, rather than a progressive treatment session. We looked at my x-rays and talked through the metal work and how my spine will work now. Daunting stuff. The good news is that I am right where I should be at this point, I am as mobile as I can expect to be. The downside was that she talked about recovery in terms of months rather than weeks.. And whilst I knew this, deep down I hoped it wouldn't be the case. Another thing that got me feeling under parr.

This afternoon, Paul and the kidlets came with me to visit the new Kiddicare store (it opens on Tuesday) and support me whilst I met my team, my manager and picked up my uniform (I got a coveted pink t shirt!). I was hugely nervous, because so much has changed for me since the last time (and ironically, the first and only time in this job!) I 'went to work', I found the whole thing overwhelming. Vikki (Have I mentioned that before? Given that we are both totes-amaze, we both got jobs on the same team, in the same store! Uncanny! Go team Fristie! Chranks?!) was there (working), she showed me round, introduced me to loads of people. I feel so much better. More positive. Saturday 18th May is my goal now. All focus and intent is to get myself into work on the 18th. You have achieved so much in the last four weeks, think what you can achieve in the next four Sarah! You have trained to triathlon. You can do this. You will do this.

Range of movement on day 27/ improvements from day 18:
* I am much quicker on my sticks and only took one stick to kiddicare this afternoon - I feel less pitiful on one!
* showering and dressing is all me, still using my 'handy grabber'. Although I am still unable to bend to do my own socks. They are still so frustrating! Bebe remains particularly good at helping me with my socks and Niamh is still the queen of slippers.
* 'Log rolling' in and out of bed is so so much better.
* Bending to sit has hugely improved. I am still unable to bend forward because my back is too stiff, but I think even this is improving.
* My scar is still looking good. I am using 'Bio oil' on it. There is no change to my 'blank' skin. It is still a horrible burning sensation.
* Some days I have minimal painkillers, others I take more. It depends on how active I am. There is still no back pain as such, my discomfort (ache) definitely comes from a place of healing.

Paul has been amazing this week. I am very much the home runner and organiser, I like things done my way... and I am not very good at relinquishing control. He has taken fabulous care of me, the children and the house - even dealing with my little frustrated nuances in sauve style. There is nothing you haven't turned your hand too this week, and all whilst continuing to work from home and train for your NB charity heroes commitments. Thank you. I love you ❤

More thank you's are also due to my friends who keep gifting us with dinner. It is such a blessing. Thank you ❤

With Paul back at work tomorrow, I am flying solo. With yet more amazing support from our friends, I am looking forward to being more in control. More independent.

I am crocheting up a storm! I just need to get better at bigger projects, I can't currently fathom rows without losing stitches!

Home

Tuesday
3 weeks (yesterday) post spinal fusion

We came home on Sunday, at lunch time. It was the right time to come home, but I was hugely sad to say goodbye to my parents. I haven't lived at home since I was a teenager, and I certainly didn't appreciate their company at that point in my life. But including the holiday, and seeing them daily in hospital, I have really spent the last 4 weeks with them. I know a lot of that has been with them caring for me, but I have been so struck with just how much I enjoy their company. I just hope that I will maintain such a relationship with my own children, as they grow up and leave and then need me (us) again.

It's been a busy 3 days here and I have been spoilt - as I seem to be lucky enough to say constantly!
Rachel met us here as we got in on Sunday, and after lunch, she took the kidlets out. Paul was able to unpack and sort the food shopping and the myriad of jobs that accumulate when you're not at home for a while.
As I went to bed for a nana nap, Magda arrived with cake. Thank you very much.

We struggled with where to sit me at first, because we have a very low 'L' shaped sofa that is comfy to lounge on, but it has no support for proper upright seating. After faffing around with cushions and pillows, we hit upon the idea of digging a camping chair out of the shed. These chairs have saved my life many times, both when camping and during long past weaning night feeds. Perfect. It is fab to be by the window too, all my daffodils round the veg patch are out and extremely cheerful. As an extra bonus, in our small lounge, I'm now close enough to the tv to avoid needing the remote..! Lol.

It was so nice to go to bed in my bedroom on Sunday night.

Yesterday, Monday, both Lucy and Rachel visited. Rach went up to school to collect the bigs at home time, and Paul and Niamh walked with me to meet them as they walked back. It was an awkward walk. Lots of mums who I know to recognise from the play ground, were hurrying their children home and clearly doing a double take to look at me shuffling along.
I didn't walk very far, not even half way down my road, but it felt hugely pro-active to see them running down the road towards home.
After tea, Rach took the bigs to their swimming lesson, and after my mammoth walk I was having yet another nana nap, when Emma arrived with dinner!

It would seem that yet again, my amazing friends have found more ways to support us and they have sorted a two week rota to cover our evening meal. How generous is that!! Last night we had lasagne and salad, and Jenni has already been round this morning and delivered a mahoosive 'mac n cheese' ❤

Lucy and I are planning a little trip out this afternoon, she is going to take me for a walk and a coffee. By which I mean park far enough away from the coffee shop to make me earn my drink. I'm very excited. Having only been out 5 times in the last 2 weeks, I was delighted to feel well enough to dry my hair with my hair dryer this morning, in honour of the occasion!

I am starting to feel frustrated, and bored. My mind is sharp (as it ever was! Ha ha!) and I am clearly on the mend, but my body seems to have plateaued in its healing and I don't feel like I have improved much since my last update.

To end on a positive note, I have made contact with my manager at Kiddicare and I am going into store on Sunday to say hello, have a look round and talk about my return in May. That is something to hold onto. Everything is falling into place x x

Friday

18 days post spinal fusion.

We are leaving my parents and going home this weekend. Sunday to be precise. Paul has an 86 mile cycling commitment for his neuroblastoma charity on Saturday. He will drive to us on Saturday night, once he is finished, and we will all go home together on Sunday morning.

I haven't been in my house, surrounded by my things, my life, for three weeks. I am very nervous. My parents have looked after us with such love and care for two weeks, and I have wanted for nothing.

Paul is working from home next week, so he is in 24/7. The Bigs are back at school, so they are sorted day time. Niamh will fall in with whatever, as she always does with amazing grace. I know my fabulous friends will be round all the time. I know that I shall still want for nothing. But somehow, going home represents a return to a normal that I'm not feeling right now.

I need to acknowledge that I am a new normal I guess, and recognise how lucky I am.

On a physical level I am improving daily. I have been out for two 'walks' this week. On Tuesday, my dad drove me to the end portion of a little route my mum had taken the kidlets on, with their bikes and scooters. I probably didn't walk further than 250 yards, before being driven home (and then going for a nap!), but the act of being outside was uplifting.
On Thursday my mum took the Bigs to an activity at the library. This encouraged my dad and sister, together with Niamh, to take me out for a walk. I pushed myself to my limit yesterday, by the time we got home I was physically uncomfortable and ready to stop. I managed 0.8km.. In 34 mins.. I'm immensely proud of that. I was running 5k in 34 mins before Christmas. What a base line for improvement!
Lucy and I are already talking about my come back strategy.. Once I've ditched the walking sticks, I will need to learn to run again, and get back on my beloved bike.

Range of movement on day 18/ improvements from day 13:
* I am still shuffling with my walking sticks, but I am definitely getting quicker - on the stairs too. I am even brave enough to use just one stick on occasion.
* With the help of my 'handy grabber' (a long metal stick with a pincer hand thing on the end) I can now shower and dress myself. It is painstakingly slow, but it is something I can now do for myself. Apart from socks! Socks are so frustrating! Bebe is particularly good at helping me with my socks. Niamh is the queen of slippers.
* 'Log rolling' in and out of bed is so much easier. I am already forgetting just how stiff and awkward I was only last week.
* Bending to sit is still improving.
* I am still unable to bend forward because my back is too stiff. I can lean forward a couple of inches and then everything just stops. There is nothing else to give. We are still putting my food plate on a tin to raise it up for me to eat etc. Physio starts next Friday and I am eager to re-train my muscles into being useful!
* My wound is looking amazing, all 19cms of it - do I start referring to it as a scar now? The swelling is getting so much better. It is still bruised and tender, but the new pink skin is shining through. Being on my back, I obviously can't see it easily, so I have a million pics of it that I scrutinise regularly. To have such a thing on my body, and to not be able to see it, frustrates the life out of me!
* There is no change to my 'blank' skin. It is a horrible burning sensation.
* I am really down on my painkillers, which I'm thrilled about. There is no back pain as such now, my discomfort comes from a place of healing I think. My body has to get used to having metal in my spine and that will take some getting used to. Things ache and things are stiff, but there is none of the old 'catch' pain. I have experienced my first post op sneeze this week and it was a revelation. No pain! It used to cut me in half, and on a bad day, make me cry. Not any more!

I'll leave you with a pic of the crochet I have been learning this week. A gift to keep my hands busy. Plus a hideous pic of me wrapped up, post walk, in my mums big chair, choosing a necessary choccy biccy.. My sister took the photo and I told her it wouldn't make the final editors cut.. Well I guess it did!

Thank you for reading Clanettes. Thanks for your support x x x

On the mend

Sunday
13 days post spinal fusion

I am definitely on the mend. It is a relief. Two weeks tomorrow is a long time, but finally I can definitely see, feel and notice small improvements in all aspects of me both physically and mentally. Phew!

As advised by the hospital, we took my bandages off permanently yesterday. There is no dressing on my wound now. My sister spent 20 long minutes soaking it all off and delicately peeling away the layers off to reveal a very neat incision.

My first tattoo was directly over the sight of incision and whilst I never mentioned it to the surgeon, I did wonder what it would look like afterwards. I am delighted! My surgeon is an artist! Such a neat, thin, straight wound. 19cms straight through my tattoo, but it has been precisely sewn back together and looks amazing (if cut in half!).

Since the bandages have come off, it was become very swollen, but conversely I have noticed an improvement in my core movement - the dressings were restricting me like a corset. I can now twist and bend a little further than I could before. Although it is scary with them off, I am constantly worried about nudging it and what my waistband will do to it.

It feels like I notice more numb ('blank') skin on a daily basis. The top of my thighs, buttocks and all over my back are just a swirling mass of skin with sensation mixing into 'blank' skin. When someone else touches my 'blank' skin, it feels like it should be 2 ins thick and muffled, but when I touch it, it is just skin. The boundaries between sensation and 'blank' skin seem to burn.. You know when it snows and you go outside without gloves and your fingers get so cold, that when you come back inside, they seem to burn as they warm up? That burning is the sensation all over my back, thighs and buttocks, as something touches the boundaries between my skin with sensation and my 'blank' skin. For example, pulling pants on, or sitting in a chair, burns until I am still. It is weird. I hope it settles down.

Paul took the kidlets to visit his sister and his dad in Cardiff this weekend, leaving me to recuperate on my own with my parents. Everyone needed a change of scenery. It has been quiet and restorative here. I have swung wildly between missing them like crazy and being relived at the peace. Before they went they had taken to putting on puppet shows for me, and I am eagerly awaiting their return tonight.

Range of movement on day 13/ improvements from day 8:
* Walking is still a slow shuffle with walking sticks, although I think I may be getting quicker. Stairs are definitely less of a challenge.
* I am now sturdy enough to shower myself, although I cant dress my lower half.
* 'Log rolling' in and out of bed gets easier every time I do it.
* Bending to sit is still getting easier, although it still gets worse as the day goes on
* I am still unable to bend because my back is too stiff. We are still putting my food plate on a tin to raise it up for me to eat without bending, and I brush my teeth using a pot to spit into etc.
* I have talk about my wound - it is swollen and bruised and tender and itchy, but healthy and neat.
* I have also talked about my 'blank' skin. I just hope it starts to improve, it is a horrible sensation.
* My feet are cold ALL of time. I have never experienced this before and can only blame the surgery, although I don't know why. Hot wallies rule the world!

All in all I am pleased with how things are on day 13. When I think about my fears beforehand, I have found the pain to be very real, but also very manageable.
I seem to have escaped all of the warnings that could have gone wrong during surgery, for the short term at least.

Most importantly, I have not felt any of the old pain from beforehand at any point and I am starting to dare to believe that I will actually get better and go on to be pain free.

Slowly, softly, surely, stronger, bigger and better.

Thanks for reading xxx

The Cavalry

I'm not sure that The Cavalry is the best term. We discussed it and googled many terms, but none of them are quite right so we settled on The Cavalry. But I think Honour Guard may have been a better term. Not honour guard as it is now a days, a bunch of soldiers forced to guard their leader, but as I imagine it would have been during the Roman invasion.

As an aside, if you ever get the opportunity to read the historical fiction books 'Boudicca', then you simply must, must, must. An honour guard to them was made up of family and best friends, sworn to love and protect each other until death.
I like to think I have 4 people in my honour guard.

Today I'd like to talk about my sister. Honour Guard and Cavalry woman extraordinaire.

Em lives a mile from my mums house, and as she is still unable to drive from her own surgery 3 weeks ago, she has walked down every day to help me shower and dress myself. As if by magic, she always arrives just at that frantic moment when you need back up the most. Like a sharp shooter, she surveys the situation, takes out the trouble maker, diffuses the ticking time bomb and enables everyone to get back to what they were doing.

There is nothing she hasn't turned her hand to this week : hair washer, sock putter onerer, breakfast maker, wound dressing changer, personal shopper, advise giver, nappy changer (not mine!) and smile giver.

You have been amazing this week Emooses. Washed me when I couldn't wash myself, supported Paul and M & D, and cared for my children. Love you xxxx

The Matron

After writing about The Pharmacist, I felt I needed to express my immense love and gratitude to The Matron. Finding the correct title was difficult, because it needed to cover and fit such a vast and ever changing role.

ma·tron
/ˈmātrən/
Noun
A woman in charge of domestic and medical arrangements at a boarding school or other establishment.

But after testing it out, I think it does fit.

When I went into hospital on the 25th, my mum without question came and stayed at our house. She took over my role and with the support of my dad, saw that the children went to school, that everyone was cared for, fed, watered, clean and in one piece, allowing Paul to concentrate on me. When school broke up for Easter, my parents whisked the children off to their house.

I have been out of hospital and we have been staying with my parents for a week tomorrow, with another week still ahead of us. My mum, The Matron, is just amazing.

Above and beyond all of your care, love and parenting of me and Paul, and all of your parenting of my kidlets. I shall forever be grateful for the extras- in the middle of the night, you have helped me limp to the toilet, you have cuddled me until the shivering has stopping, boiled the kettle and provided more hot wallies than I have ever relied on before and you have listened to my fears.

Love you Mummy xxx

The Pharmacist

Monday night.
One week post spinal fusion.

Pain governs my world right now. I used to think that tooth ache was the worst pain in the world. I now laugh in the face of tooth ache.
(Please please little old teeth of mine, this is not a contest, don't fail me right this minute, I'm attempting to make a point.)

My spine and my hips and my wound all ache to different degrees, most of the time right now. My wound is so swollen it is currently sticking out in a triangular shape (like I am growing a dorsal fin!), past my bum. Sitting is difficult to get comfy. If you had stitches in your finger, you would keep it out of harms way, you wouldn't attempt to rub it on the back of a chair, let alone put weight on it..

The hospital sent me home with 5 varieties of pill, none of them particularly effective (in my opinion), and my Dad took over the difficult job of pharmacist. It is difficult because I am like a junky constantly looking to score. The pills all differ in their qualities and in their quantities, so my amazing Dad set up a spreadsheet of pain relief to keep us both on track with what, when and why.

He spends all day clingy to the schedule, trying to eek out my pain relief to its maximum. I spend all day trying to sell my soul for an early hit 15 mins before its due, aware that 15 mins each time equals an hour by the end of the day... Which equals a looong night.

Lets not even get started on night times yet.

My pharmacist is doing an amazing job, even if I'm not over-flowing with immediate gratitude. Despite the pain, and my constant bargaining (whinging), I know what a brilliant job you are doing Daddy and I appreciate you so much. Love you xxx

Tuesday

8 days post spinal fusion.
This time last week I was embarking on my 2nd night in intensive care.

Paul returned to work today, and this morning my mum and my sister took me to the dr, whilst my dad stayed at home with the kidlets. My sister took pics of my first foray back out into the world - wearing my slippers.. Ha ha! The trip to the drs was exhausting, the car ride was so uncomfortable and I was relieved to come back to the safe cocoon my parents have created.

I went to bed when we got in (a nana nap!), and enjoyed listening to the children playing in the back garden through the open window. They played 'prince and princesses' (who apparently cuddle, but do not kiss!) and ran around. Blissful.

Range of movement on day 8/ improvements from day 5:
* Walking is still a slow shuffle with walking sticks
* I can now lift my arms above my head and I washed my own hair in the shower this morning! Go me!
* 'Log rolling' in and out of bed is still excruciating
* Bending to sit is getting easier, although it gets worse as the day goes on
* I am still unable to bend because my back is too stiff. The kidlets now know to go to the stairs and poke their heads through the banister so they are tall enough to kiss me, and we have taken to putting my food plate on a tin to raise it up for me to eat without bending
* My wound still ITCHES, and rather than feeling like it might burst, its starting to feel tight. I think this is a good sign of healing.
* I have noticed that I have a few 'blank' patches of skin around my wound, where I can't feel anything. I am aware of pressure, but no sensation. So scratching is frustratingly pointless!!

I leave you with some pics of bits and bobs from the last couple of days - plus my x-rays taken when I left hospital last Friday.. They make me shudder!

B +5

Saturday morning.
5 days since spinal fusion.

I am home at my parents house. Paul collected me from hospital yesterday lunch time and we drove the hellish 1 hours journey (broken up in the middle with a Costa) to their house and the children.

What a relief it is to be home. The children are noisy (Niamh in particular, knows and loves me again and it is delightful). The house is so comfortable. Paul and my sister are here. My parents are loving me and taking care of me as only parents can (and as you can only truly appreciate once you become a parent) and I am just so happy to be surrounded by my family.

I am physically uncomfortable. The pain I feared beforehand is very real. Walking is currently a slow shuffle with walking sticks. There is no getting away from it. I laid in bed last might and cried over the ache. But I still havent encountered the 'catch' from beforehand, so I am actually winning.

For posterity's sake, my current status of movement on day 5:

* Walking is a slow shuffle with sticks
* Getting to a sitting position (bending my back and legs simultaneously) hurts
* 'Log rolling' (literally rolling your body like a stiff log) into bed hurts like a very rude word
* Bending to pick something up (or to kiss the kidlets) is not an option, I am simply too stiff
* My hips ache like another rude word
* I can't lift my arms higher than my shoulders as my back isn't strong enough
* My wound ITCHES! (Obviously I shouldn't be scratching it, it is bandaged and too new, but the irony of not being able to reach round and scratch it even if I did want to is not lost on me!)
* my wound is swollen. If you look at yourself in the mirror, side on, your spine dips in and curves in from your shoulders, before coming out again to form your buttocks. Mine currently drops down to my buttocks in a straight line. Looks most odd.

Improvements I am already noticing:

* From day 3 to day 5 my core movement has already improved enough for me to shuffle my hips and 'wiggle' slowly into a better position in bed, rather than getting out and starting a 'log roll' again.
* I can get out of bed on my own and with less discomfort
* I can wiggle my foot vigorously enough to get my slippers on by myself

Ok, they are little things - but they feel monumental right now.

And so starts day 5. Thanks for reading - I leave you with a few poignant shots of last 36 hrs xxxx

B +3

Hello Clanettes. I've never blogged from my phone before so forgive any weird formatting, I can sort that later. I just wanted to briefly say hi, and put down my thoughts on the last three days. Hence B +3.

If you didn't already know, hello, where have you been..? I had my spine fused on Monday.. The official surgical title is 'Instrumented decompression and lateral mass fusion (PLF-posterior lateral fusion) L3-S1'.. Yeah. That.

Monday was B(Back/spine fusion) day and it was pretty drawn out. The Bigs went to school in the morning, with humbling tears from Lochie and I again wondered if this was the right thing to be doing.

My parents arrived mid morning, they had coffee (I was nil by mouth from 7am - I had forced down porridge and coffee at 6.58)and we left them with Niamh to go to hospital at mid day. I had been told surgery would be at 2pm. Paul helped me with my bed socks and I was all set in my gown by 1.15pm.. 2pm came... 3pm and some pre-meds came... 4pm... 5pm... Eventually at 6.30pm I was taken to surgery.

Then suddenly it was 11.15pm and I was sharply awake in intensive care. I remember seeing Paul, but it was a long night and my only real memories are of loud noises and oxygen masks.

Tuesday day blurred into Monday night really. I had an epidural for pain relief, as well as my own morphine drip, on top of that I was given regular paracetamol and ibuprofen. I also had constant oxygen up my nose. Paul and my parents visited, Lucy and Dave came and then Rachel cheered me up early Wednesday morning.

During Wednesday lunch time I was moved out of intensive care, to my own room and my parents came again, bringing my sister and Niamh to see me. Seeing Niamh was actually pretty hard because she wouldn't come to me or cuddle me and she just clung to my Mum.

After school Paul brought all the kidlets to see me and we had some cake for Paul's birthday (next year we'll kill it Christie ❤)

I don't want to go into too much detail for you Clanettes, but I was pretty poorly over night Weds into today (Thursday) with diarrhea and you can imagine that trying to get up from a bed you are wired to with morphine and catheters was not pleasant or easy, after such a surgery too.

Needless to say the physio lady was amazed at my capacity for movement this morning and I have had a glorious shower. And regal like, I now write to you from my hospital bed in a clean nightie.

I'm tired, I don't feel like I have slept for 4 days and obviously last nights poorlyness has taken its toll on me.

From a Back point of view, I feel better than I thought I would on day 3. I certainly didn't think I'd feel well enough to blog! I feel tender, I feel bruised, my back feels like it wants to split open. But you know what? I haven't felt any of the old catching pain, so I'll take it!

I haven't really had a chance to look at the wound, its all taped up, but I reckon it must be at least 8ins long, straight up from the top of my buttocks, straight through my first and most favorite tattoo (boooo!) and half way up my back. Impressive. Its hugely swollen. As a reference for my sister, I am walking like the alien dad from 'Mac and me'...!!

So there you go. Day 3 is done. Thanks for reading xxx

Back for good..

Clanettes. Tomorrow is B-day and I wanted to write a reflective blog entry, full of promise and hope and humour, but actually, I am feeling very fragile and I don't have the glibness in me today.

I have been overwhelmed by the love and support my nearest and dearest have shown me, I have cried more tears than I thought possible. I can't thank you all, but you know who you are. I have appreciated every single detail.

 

 

 

 

There will be sporadic posts as and when I can Clanettes, but I'll be Back. You know that. Bigger. Badder. Better and Bionic x x x

An amazing end to the week

Clanettes! Tonight I am coming to you from a fabulous converted barn deep in the Devon countryside, from a place called Bideford. We are staying here for a week, to celebrate my Dads 60th birthday and have a family holiday.

Yesterday my nearest and dearest friends held a cake and fizz morning for me, because I won't see some of them now til after The Op. I was so touched by their thoughtfulness. They had baked, we had bucksfizz, an amazing soundtrack (all the songs had 'back' in their title - i.e. Taylor Swift, we are never getting 'back' together.. loved the thought process!) and I was lifted and humbled by their care for me. My only regret from the morning is that I wasn't able to get some pics. Thank you so much ladies, it means the world to me x x x

Yesterday was also parents evening at school, and both Lochie and Bebe are doing so well. I think I have already mentioned, Lochie is on the 'gifted and talented' register and is flying along. Bebe has really found herself at school, and I was proud to see she was one of very few on the '100% attendance wall of fame'.

Bebe is on the left hand side in the green coat - partially obscured by the flash, but I didn't dare attempt a second covert piccy!

Today we left bright and early and drove to Bideford. An hour into our journey Niamh was hugely sick, vomiting everywhere and I felt so sorry for her. I used to get (and on occasion still do) car/travel sick and I could really empathise with her. It was a ludicrous situation, because we pulled over in the middle of nowhere, armed only with wet wipes against a tide of thick porridge vomit..!! Niamh bless her, shivered in just her vest whilst we wiped everything down.

My parents arrived at our barn first, we arrived not long after, and my sister and her family arrived this evening. Em was in hospital herself this week, and I am looking forward to spending the week aiding her recovery.

Some shots of the downstairs - its huge, amazing and open plan

More updates to come, happy weekend x x x

Lessons

Paul has gone back to work properly this week, the Bigs are at school and Niamh and I have taken some time out of our normal routine. We are deep cleaning the house, and if I'm honest, I'm avoiding life. I'm avoiding all the things we would normally fill our time with. This is a good and positive thing and it's what I need to do right now.

As I have mentioned, I am struggling with my fear of the operation and my recovery, but really, since having the news from the consultant I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I had been treating myself like a melodramatic school child, convinced that there was nothing wrong with me, I have pushed and pushed myself to remain active and 'normal' and now I feel like I have permission to admit if I am in pain or if I want to go to bed early, or if I need to make some changes to our daily routine.

Because Paul works so far away, I am on my own with the kidlets from 6am til 7pm and because of how things currently are, the kidlets and I have changed many little things, but principly our morning school routine. I can't push the pushchair right now, without suffering later, so Niamh is walking there and back twice a day - except in case of emergency. We are all really enjoying it! The bigs are being super helpful, we are being super organised (I am not trying to do a million jobs before the school run) and by leaving the house earlier, everyone is less stressed, we are all able to walk together and talk (Shock horror!) rather then being late and frog marching ourselves up to school. Even this morning, in the pouring rain, we all donned our waterproofs, wellies and left with plenty of time to spare and enjoyed a walk to school.

There is one really valuable lesson right there - I enjoy my children's company, I enjoy walking with them and talking to them - I had forgotten this!! It is so easy to get stuck in the humdrum inevitable-ness that is a routine (the school run is just one example) that you can forget that some situations are only stressful because you make them like that. I am so lucky, I don't have anywhere to be, so why was I flying around before school like a woman on a mission to complete an entire days tasks before 8.30am?

Another lesson. I realllllllly want to job the I was offered and accepted just a couple of weeks ago. I thought I wanted a job to put some extra cash in my pocket, but actually, I was excited about the job in general. The new store, the new team, the new experience, the change in my routine.
The irony of staying at home for 5 years, and then within weeks of finding a job, needing surgery 2 days after my start date, is not lost on me!
I will admit I put off ringing them. What a cringey phone call!!  Go with bright and breezy Sarah! Be enthusiastic and keen! 'Hi there! You offered me a job and I accepted last week? Weeeelllll... I can't start for 8 weeks.... But please let me assure you that I definitely want the job, I am a quick learner and I am confident that I can learn on the job...' Gah! It was a hideous phone call, and it didn't go as positively as I would have liked. I rang them back this morning, after hearing nothing for 48hrs and it felt a bit more positive... Come on guys! I'm a keeper, let me start in May, you know you want me! You know you need me!

Another lesson I have learnt this week. I miss exercise. I love exercise. Specifically I love triathlon. When I admitted defeat and stopped exercising in January, I wondered if that was it, if I was admitting that actually I am not as active as I had kidded myself and if I would be happy to sit back on the sofa.
I am thrilled to realise that I am looking forward to getting back to it. I am aware its going to be tough - recovery notwithstanding, just starting the C25K again is going to be killer both mentally and physically, but I am looking forward to it. Each achievement will have double the meaning going forward, a step in the right direction, a step towards where I was, but more importantly, a step towards where I know I want to be.

I feel like I am coming out of my fugg of self pity Clanettes, and realising that the world is still my oyster, I am losing nothing by having surgery. I have the world to gain and I am excited x x

Back for an update on the main topic..

So. Surgery is booked for the 25th March. We are still going on holiday to Cornwall the week before, and I will go in the Monday we are home. My mum will come and stay so that Paul has some support and the kidlets will go to school etc, then we will go straight to stay with my parents for the 2 weeks of Easter school holiday.

This all feels so sudden to me. I look at the posts I wrote in November, just 12 weeks ago and I was feeling amazing with lots of busy plans going on and huge amounts of exercise, then over Christmas the odd back niggle and now I am at the point of being grateful if I get to lunch time before I start taking pain killers to keep me on my feet. By the evening I am reclined with a wheat bag and then in bed, with Paul taking my socks off for me because I can't bend to them.

RIDICULOUS!! I'm so angry about it all - which again is ridiculous because this is totally treatable and fixable and in another 12 weeks I will be getting back on my beloved bike..

My MRI scan showed that I have a 'Three level disc degeneration and a Spondylolisthesis'. I'm sorry, a what?? Huh? I have spent hours googling the term and I think the best description of the problem is found here. Anyway, I guess the important bit is that it can be fixed and I am having an 'L3-S1 instrumented fusion' to pull everything back into place...

It will look like this..

I am so scared. That is my overwhelming feeling really. Scared of having it done, scared of not having it done. Scared I will be able to feel those screws for the rest of my life. Scared it goes wrong... yada yada.  I had another little freak out yesterday when speaking to the consultants secretary and she casually told me I'd be spending the first 2 nights in intensive care... Isn't intensive care for really poorly people...?

Ahem. Anyway. I am taking the opportunity to have a house sort out. A spring clean if you will. I have talked in the past about not being a fan of house work, well that's fine for me, but I don't feel like I can leave it for my mum who IS a fan of house work. Plus, she will be sleeping in our bedroom (Paul will move to the spare bed in the lounge) and I would like everything to be as easy and stress free as possible for her whilst she is in charge.

Today I started in the lounge, deep cleaning and sorting. This feels like something positive I can cope with. My mum notwithstanding, it will be nice to come home and recuperate in a clean and clear house. I just need to do a little bit everyday and hey presto!

Well, that's the plan, anyway.
Thanks for reading xxx

Back from the consultant

So this is the post we've all been waiting for. The one that I have been whinging on about. Just what is wrong with my Back? Can this women just move the hell on and get back to running?

Well, truth be told, I can't remember what the consultant actually said right now. There is a term, but it slipped into the recesses of my brain when my brain realised that I'm not crazy and that there is a problem.

I need to wait for the consultants letter to arrive to explain precisely what the issue is, but its genetic, its affecting 3 discs in my spine and I need to have surgery to fuse it. I will be in hospital for 4 nights, on bed rest for 2 weeks and then a slow recovery for up to 8 weeks...

That kind of hit me in the face really and that's why I stopped listening. My biggest fear this morning was being told there was nothing wrong, that I have a mental block against long term exercise. That I'm crazzzeeeeee.

Then I was told that there is a problem and I could see an image of my spine on the screen and it is clearly deformed, the middle one of the three affected vertebrae is set back from its neighbours and there is no fluid left. Or something. As I said, I don't really remember.

I'm scared. There are numerous expletives that better describe my feelings, but scared is a good one. I have talked endlessly about the pain, but I really thought that it would be something as simple as a trapped nerve, or my coil is in the wrong place and is touching something it shouldn't be. Not that I would need 4 nights in hospital. The pain is what scares me more than anything right now.

I have cried in the gym with Lucy, when she had to hit emergency stop on the treadmill because my leg had stopped moving. I have stood and cried on Vikki's doorstep when I couldn't bump the pushchair up her stairs. If Paul is late home from work and the children need to go to bed, I have been on my knees dressing Niamh and not been able to get up and I have distracted the kidlets from my temporary immobility with silly games. I have been terrified.
At the end of a busy day, my back pain makes me cry (and at all times really, we all know I love a good cry). But if the pain of recovery is worse than that, then I don't think I can bear it.

Man I hate my attitude. There are people with more pain than me in their lives, and they don't have the option of recovery.

Both my mother and my sister have had this surgery. I had never considered this would be similar. Their's was such a long time ago - when my mother had hers done it was pioneering surgery. I was small and terrified of the mahoosive scar she had running up her back. I was at university when my sister had hers done, so I don't have any real memories of it.

How the hell do I end a downbeat post like this?

With a spine joke of course! x x

Sum it Up on Sunday

Its been half term, and we have had a very busy week! I have really struggled with my Back this week, and I think that its a combo of having all the kidlets at home and being super busy and not getting enough sleep.. Still, I see the consultant tomorrow and am hopeful of a solution. 

I feel like my blog has gone from this super exercise fueled upbeat whirlwind to this whingy food focused narrative and I apologise. It was been 2 months since I was last able to run and over 4 weeks now since I have used my beloved turbo. I have decided that if the consultant found nothing in last weeks MRI, then I have to get back to doing something. I miss the post-exercise highs, the fatigue of having pushed myself and the over-all feeling of achievement. I miss my gym camaraderie with Lucy and I am feeling soft and sloth like.

So back to this week..

Monday
On Monday we went to Elle's house for afternoon coffee and play - she blogged about it here. It was good see everyone, and I'm sorry you were feeling nervous Elle x x
The bigs both took their own amusement (Lochie in the form of his Tablet, Bebe in the form of colouring pencils) and they were great with the smaller children.
Louise particularly had a game with her 'Who know whose nose', that she clearly plays a lot with Bethan, see here - fabulous for toddlers! Niamh LOVED it! (As did Bebe!!)

Tuesday
On Tuesday Paul went to Edinburgh over night with work, so he was at home in the morning and during the afternoon we dropped him at the airport before going swimming with Dave and Maia. Amala wasn't feeling very well, so Lucy stayed at home with her. Dave was super helpful, as I was in 'el crippo' mode by the end. Crouching in a shallow pool and playing with 3 children doesn't help my current Back predicament. But they loved it, and that was the main thing. (Dave and Lucy are so generous with their time. Adult/child ratio in the pool means I can't take my three by myself, so they go with us during school holidays and everyone gets to swim. Which means Dave was doubly generous making sure to come despite Amala being poorly. Thank you so much xx)

Wednesday
My sister, Emily visited, with my Nephew, Leif, and I talked about our lovely day here.

I also planted my first seeds of 2013. My friend Jo, who I have mentioned before, has started a new blog dedicated to her gardening exploits (see here) and it inspired me to make a start.

I planted lavender, mint and coriander. I was so surprised at the minute size of the lavender seeds and at how strongly they smelled of lavender!! One of my plans this year is to tidy up the front garden and I thought I would have a crack at growing some lavender from seed - I love plants from seed because its just me and my effort with their growing energy and potential, so its more rewarding that I can put that energy back into our garden. (Plus its cheaper!).

I also ordered an amazing bargain from Van Meuwen last Sunday. At the end of March I will get 70 perenial shrubs (plug sized) delivered for the bargain price of £9.99 (total of £13.95 with postage)
 

Please share this offer:     Facebook        Twitter   *Offer valid on the perennial collection only, strictly 1 special priced pack per order. Order code VMNE32Z activates offer. Offer ends midnight Sunday 17/02/13 and cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer or promotional voucher code.

Limited stocks available of this fantastic offer -  you must place your order by latest midnight tonight, Sunday 17th February!
This collection of over 70 plants is fantastic value - containing at least 12 varieties all perfect for creating that magical herbaceous border you've been dreaming of. From statuesque delphiniums, to superb foliage plants such as heuchera, these plants will keep your garden full of colour throughout the summer. Once established, there are enough plants in this collection to create not 1 but 2 borders 6m long.

To get this collection for just £9.99 follow the links in this newsletter to automatically apply the discount. Or quote order code VMNE32Z in your shopping basket. Please note, the discounted price will appear in your shopping basket.
PLUS don't forget - P&P is FREE on all orders over £50 (after discounts)

Bumper 70+ plant perennial collection worth over £70 now just £9.99 with your discount.

For my birthday last year (see here and here - how little was Niamh! How short was my hair!), we tidied the garden and sorted out my sacred space, but it now needs filling and I will have more than enough to do this with my the end of March! Paul (who doesn't usually get involved with the garden) is going to dig everything over for me and I am SUPER EXCITED!!

Thursday
A lovely day at Maddalena's house, which I blogged about yesterday here. and then Felting in the evening - see that post here.
I also had my hair cut and feel much better for it. I'm still growing it out, but the back is sooo much neater now!

Friday
Today we went to Louise's house, and again the Bigs were amazing with the smaller children. So proud of them.

Vikki and I have been working on a project for Barney this week too. When they go to their speech and language group, they are learning to use 'PECS' (The Picture Exchange Communication System (PECS) is a successful approach that uses pictures to develop communication skills. It is appropriate for children and adults with a wide range of learning and communication difficulties including autism. See here) and so we took a gazillion photos of absolutely everything in their flat and all the people in Barneys life, so that we could laminate to our hearts content and make 'PECS' accessible to Barney at home.

 Barneys Aunt and uncle (Hi Liz!!)

A typical breakfast for Barney.

I hope the idea will make life easier for Barney, and ultimately Vikki (and family) - in my ideal world (that probably only exists in my head,) they will be able to use the pictures to teach Barney how to show them what he wants and so ease his frustration. 
Vikki, I hope I didn't force the idea on you, thank you for letting me take over..!!
Thank you for letting us use your laminator Rach X x

Saturday and Sunday
A quiet weekend, spent doing quiet activities indoors (It is 0 zero degrees outside and snowy!). Paul and the Bigs gutted the upstairs and I skyped with my Mum. I think we are all quite reflective at the moment. Perhaps my sombre mood has effected everyone, but I think we are all in limbo at the moment.
Lucy took me to the gym this morning (Sunday) and I did a gentle Vereo workout, I feel good right now but am fearful of payback as the day goes on. I was brave and got on their scales and was rewarded with being half a stone lighter there, then I am at home, and I had had breakfast and was fully clothed there too - YAY!
I also went in the pool, but it was super busy and I got out in frustration after 15 mins. I am either quicker than I was, or the fast lane was full of slow people today. I am not the worlds quickest swimmer, but I do follow etiquette - if you're going quicker than me, I will wait at the end of my length and let you over take  me. Why does no one else do this??? Why do slower people insist on trying to get a head of you at the turn and then just slog it out? So FRUSTRATING! Ahem. Sorry Clanettes, rant over!!

Happy Sunday - a checklist for me to work on x x