Taming the beast

I've had a couple of lightening moments of clarity this week, and for the first time in a while I've felt a flutter of genuine excitement. I needed to write to you all and share the process.. Bear with me..!

As I mentioned, I've been taking some tablets to help me manage my head space and emotions. They are working a treat and I am able to manage and help myself cope with 'stuff' a bit better. A lot better actually. But on the flip side I'm aware that I am taking a chemical to alter my brain patterns and that any improvements I'm feeling aren't potentially real.. If you see what I mean. (As an aside, I get frustrated when I see my counsellor and she makes me fill out a form detailing my feelings on a sliding scale... OF COURSE IM FEELING LESS DEPRESSED! Hellloooo! I've got anti-depressants!! Ahem. Anyway.)

My first lightening moment of the week happened with the annoying counsellor, who I hate seeing and who I dont value the time I 'waste' with. Damnit, I'm aware of the irony. I wasn't aware of the lightening moment when it happened either, I was to busy crying for myself and hating her session. But a couple of days of calm process later and I can clearly see her point. 

I am too busy managing everyone else's feelings, to manage my own.

That's a scary thing to put out there. It's a big thing to admit to and recognise. But recognise it I have. I have realised that I worry more about how to manage other peoples reaction to me and or my feelings, and I don't process my own feelings. For example, I will worry more about how my depression effects you, then how it effects me. I will try and make you feel better about it, long before I start on myself. I need to start letting other people own how they feel, let them deal with that, and just own my own shizzle. 

Phew. 

So then. Today I went to see my osteopath. He's an amazing guy, at least a generation older than me, turtleneck and flip flop wearing. I'm a little bit in love with him. Not only does he help my broken body (I'm aware of the strong term there), he also offers unintentional counsel.

At the start of every session he watches me walk back and forth across the room to gauge my gait and levels of discomfort etc. Today he commented 'you always walk so nervously Sarah, are you in pain?' I laughed and said, 'Ironically no. Not today. Between you and Lucy (massage), you are both taming the beast at the moment'

Bam. 

The lightening moment was realising, as I laid on his couch and he manipulated my pelvis, was that I am nervous. ALL. THE. TIME. I am constantly anxious, nervous and on edge. I anxiously walk about waiting for my back, or the metal beast that lives on my back, to rear it's ugly head and stop my movement with a single sharp jab of it's whip like tail.

What an analogy.. I realise it's a bit weird to talk of steel rods as a beast. I realise it's a bit odd to walk around nervously waiting for the next bite. 

Whilst it's odd, it has also opened up the realisation that I am feeling so anxious about everything and everyone because I am waiting for the next beating. I am broken and cowed into submission by a piece of metal that was (and actually does to a degree) supposed to fix me.

What a head space to live in.

The excitement I'm feeling comes from

knowing I am making small, if painful, realisations. I am not stuck in a repeating pattern anymore. Things are changing. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

There is hope.

Thanks for reading xxx

Taboo

Clanettes!! This is another of my awkward post large gap in posts, post.. It's been a few weeks since my last update and I apologise. Things have changed slightly at home and my nearest and dearest (not the same ones as last time!) didn't want me to necessarily talk about what I'm about to talk about, but you know, sometimes you have to talk about taboo subjects. 

Two things this week have made me decide to broach the subject I'm about to, eventually, get round too. 

The first one was a story over in the US, a chap called Micheal Sam got drafted into some major league sports something or other and during the live feed of this draft announcement, he kissed his boyfriend. I've seen it, my kids have seen it, and we have all agreed that it's nice footage of a man celebrating an achievement with his boyfriend. But woah the backlash in America!! I've watched a YouTube clip of some women on a talk show (similar to 'loose women' in the UK) and they got into such an argument over the rights and wrongs of the footage that one of them stormed off set. Seriously, in this day and age?! Is gay kissing really a taboo subject?

The second thing this week, is that it's national mental health week. If you can't talk about taboo subjects during their national week, when can you?

We're had a lovely few weeks, we went camping, Bebe turned 6 and we had a lovely party, I was offered (and turned down!) a new job (they even rang me back twice!), I've had tonsilitis and been shown just how grown up and amazing my children are when it comes to 24 hrs of needing them to look after themselves a bit. The weird thing is that I can look back at all of it and appreciate it and see it and cherish it, and still be removed from it.  When I went to see the dr for my tonsils, I alway got myself a little prescription to help me wade through the muddle in my head. 

The first few days were horrible. I felt very nauseas and light headed, even spacey maybe and I decided that these tablets were not for me. After nearly two weeks I feel so much better. About EVERYTHING!  

One of the other things I have admitted in the last couple of weeks is that my back isn't right. I mean it really isn't right. Old 'catch' pain not right. I haven't been able to understand how I was supposed to blasély 'move on' or accept 'a trade off' when actually it's going down hill at a rate of knots.. Even though I've known it's not right, you listen to your consultant when he tells you it'll be perfect in a year, or you listen to your family who have been through similar and accept that this is just what it feels like to be fused.. Life moves on, people want and need and expect you to be better, no need for a fuss anymore, the surgery was so long ago now Sarah, time to move on.. Quite easy to see how I've got myself into such a muddle really. I have a lot to talk to my counsellor about when that starts up next week!

I'm not sure how to describe what the tablets are 'giving' me. But I feel so much calmer, my anxiety is more manageable and I am able to live in the moment a bit more. Panic less. Not be so quick to anger. Relax almost. The only thing that still eludes me is sleep. Ah sleep. You rare thing, you precious, taken for granted, wotsit thing you. How I miss you!

So there you go... Taboo. Mental health. Anti-depressants. Just words.

Thanks for reading Clanettes, I've got some lovely posts full of lovely photos to show you over the next few days xxx