One year on

I felt like I should write something about being one year post surgery but I can't think of anything to say! So have a self portrait, '18 centimetres, 12 months on'.. Or something similar (aka cooler with more street cred) if only a better title would come to me!

Thanks for sticking with me, thanks for reading xxx

Fuse-iversary

The 25th March sees me at one year post fusion and I think we can all agree that I have been struggling mentally recently. I realise some would say I am mental and struggle generally, but even I would admit to some fusion related anger recently.

On Saturday I spent the afternoon with my amazing friend Emma, amongst other parts if our friendship, she is my long missed cycling partner.. We went to a vintage fayre at the weekend, hoping for chintz, tea pots, cake stands and tea pots.. Instead we got shell suits and a cream tea.. One out of three isn't bad!!

After a lovely afternoon, and some tears on my part (apologies once again Emma, I didn't intend to cry at you! Even though I do admit to being one of life's cryers!) I realised that whilst I have spent the last year healing, I have also spent the last year resenting everything about healing.

Clearly it's time to take action Sarah, muster some heave ho and crack on. 

So I've booked a sportive. It's nothing compared to what I have achieved in the past, but given then I have only ridden my bike 6 times in the last year.. It's a challenge and that's what I need.

It's a 38 mile trip around Winchester and looks like a lovely gentle route. Perfect for my first foray back into the world of sportive cycling. And best of all, I get to do it with Emma, with my Dad and with Paul. A whole team of supporters!

I miss this!! I miss my bike!!

A New Forest sportive with Paul in 2012

A sky ride with Emma and Chez in 2012

A woodcote sportive with my Dad in 2012.

I'm ready to get back on my bike and have a bit of fun!! Man I've got some work ahead of me if I want to cycle 38 miles in 9 weeks time..!

THE plan

Clanettes! Niamh turns 3 next week! THREE! Time is creeping past, after all the Feb birthdays we hit March and then I'm 1 year post fusion.

I think its time I shared my life plan with you.

I mentioned I have applied to college.. Well, using an exerp from an email I sent my parents last week, let me explain what I'm actually doing.. 

"The course at college I applied for this morning is called 'access to higher education' for people over 24yrs who want to go to uni and either haven't got any qualifications or who haven't studied for a number of years. There are 5 modules, I can remember that two are social science and history off the top of my head. I choose 4 modules.

It starts in sept, 4 mornings a week. 9.15-12.15. There is an onsite crèche for Niamh (and hopefully pre-school!) The bigs will go to breakfast club at school. It's an academic year long.

It costs a lot and I need a specific loan from the govt.

I then apply for midwifery at Southampton uni. That course is full time and 4 academic years long.. I apply for the course fees using the same loan as the college and then when I graduate the govt write off both loans because they desperately need midwives.

Because the course is in essence free, 200+ people apply for 35 spaces.. They are picky and I need to stand out. Hence volunteering etc.

It's a very long term goal!! Terrifying in fact. I will hear from the college in May as to wether I've got an interview for a space on the access course."

 

Eeeek! I've written it down now. I've put it out there..

 Me and my colleague Caroline, just before our demo's. Caroline talks about baby monitors.

My demo paraphanalia

A good shot to show you the size of the group of people listening.

A glorious shot of my bald patch, just as I started my talk.  

I'm hoping that I will be able to use shots like the ones above to show that I have carried my love of supporting pregnant mums through into my retail job, ever working towards my goal of midwife.

With regard to volunteering, I keep a diary and write up each visit as I get in so thats its fresh. Two recent anecdotes spring to mind for you Clanettes... On the ward where I volunteer, each patient room has 4 beds in it, split with curtains. The space isn't massive and one bed and chair is in each division, with not a lot of room for anything else. When I go into each room, I shake the curtain and call 'knock knock' to let the people behind the curtain know that I'm there, then I poke my head round whilst introducing myself. They either invite me round or I politely move away.. You never ever know what you are going to get behind a curtain.. A couple of weeks ago I poked my head round a curtain, after invitiation, to be faced with a packed space full of African tribes people in full of tribal outfits. They were all clearly talking about in a very different language and I was massively intimidated... MASSIVELY. But help the lady I did. 

Secondly, in only 5 weeks, I have also learnt that not everyone is happy to see you in a different setting. Whilst helping out in the cafe at work last week, looking particularly sweaty from dishwash stacking during a busy lunch time, I put a stack of trays back in their resting place, whirled round and came face to face with a lady I had helped the week before. The last time I had seen her she was at her most vulnerable, only hours after giving birth without many clothes on. She clearly recognised me, and then chose to ignore me (As is her right, I would never acknowledge anyone I knew from the hospital until they had acknowledged me) the problem that remained was her being sat on the only free table, looking right at me as I filled the dishwasher in the back of the cafe.. I didn't know what to do with myself!

Away from work and volunteering, we managed to get out the park over the weekend and enjoy some sunshine - even though everything seems flooded!

I leave you with some shots of Niamh with Barney and Liv, Vikki's baby's. I wanted to publically thank you VF, for loving Niamh like one of your own. Your pep talks and plans for pre-school runs and kidlet swapping have settled me no end when I think of the juggling act I want to embark on. Thank you xxx

Truth

Today I stumbled across this article called 'A new normal: 10 things I've learned about trauma'. I have read it quite a few times today. I'm going to be massively self indulgent (more so than usual!) right now, and say that spinal fusion is indeed a trauma. Its a trauma I just can't swallow!! I can really relate to the article. Point number 3 'healing is seasonal, not linear' has really touched a nerve with me, and put words to my frustrating round of 'I feel great, I'm so grateful for spinal fusion, life is just so much better' followed swiftly by 'I am angry! I used to run and run and think nothing of it and now I can't'.. I like that healing is seasonal and not necessarily linear. It makes me feel less insane. Even if I do feel like a slightly broken record.

So. To the truth. I felt amazing and in control last week whilst juicing, but this week not so much. My mental 'health' really does rely on my physical 'health' and I do need to workout to feel good. Its being able to when there are not enough hours in the day and you can't just nip over to the park. That's all I'm going to say right now, I'm trying to sort it out.

In less depressing news, actually, in massively exciting news, I have today applied for a place on the 'Access to Higher Education' course at a local college. Its a course for adults who want to go to university and who haven't studied for a long time. Fingers crossed I get an interview - and then ultimately get a place! I will keep you posted.

Thanks for letting me ramble Clanettes. When I look back at my posts over the last year, I am aware that I do put my rose tinted glasses on when describing things, because lets face it, who wants to read the depressing drivel of a broken woman. But equally, its getting on for nearly a year now and I'm starting to think that people think I should be 'over it' by now. Well sometimes I just need you to know that I'm not always as fixed as I'd like you to think I am! I'm def not 'over it'!! Ha ha!!

I'll leave you with x-ray pics of my mums fusion, compared with mine. Hers is on the left in both pictures. Hers is 25 years old and made of steel, my is obvs not yet a year and made of titanium. My fusion is clearly a lot bigger, but interestingly, my mums scare is much bigger than mine. Just need my sisters x-rays now!!

Apologie for the poor quality, these were just held up to the back door and photographed with the light (and garden!) behind them.
Lots of love x x

Up

There is nothing like a postitive visit to your consultant to make you feel 'up'! I went and had an x-ray this week, 6 months on, and I have perfect fusion. Conincidentally, a year from having it fitted (see here) I was happy to see my coil still in place - see the 'T' at the bottom of my x-ray! Ha ha!
Anyway. The pain in my hip is nothing to do with my fusion, and can be treated (and actually I think my amazing osteopath has already sorted it.) so I have felt encouraged and more postive to crack on with 'stuff'.

This morning I went for a run, I am nearly finished on week 3 of the C25K.

Then I did my first work commute!  Not even a 5 mile round trip - a massive sense of achievement!

Yesterday I helped Lucy and Dave promote their Nada Sound Therapy business

Niamh continues to astound us with her grasp of the potty.

And I keep being lucky enough to be the only one in the gym! BLISS!

Apple cake

Clanettes! I have been shamelessly  avoiding posting. I am in whinge city with a poorly hip and I thought my amazing Osteopath had fixed it last week, and whilst he improved it, he hasn't really fixed it. Now my consultant has called me in for an x-ray and my world of recovery has gone into flux.

So to avoid talking about it in depth, but to assure you I'm here, have a token post about apple cake! It's autumn and our apple trees are in over-drive. I'm filling carrier bags every couple of days and giving them away wherever possible.

Bebe has bronchitis again and is on 4 different medications every 4 hours, with an asthma clinic referral booked, so to cheer her this afternoon, we baked.

In other, positive news, Niamh is potty trained!! It's taken 10 full on days but she finally gets it and is independently using the potty!! After nearly 7 years we are finally nappy free in the day time!! Massive rejoicing! Paul did the brunt of it whilst I have been working for the last 4 days. So thrilled - particularly as I wanted to throw in the towel last week! (You were right as ever Mama! Love you xx)

Anyway. Apples.

The kidlets LOVED it and Lochie had thirds!

Thanks for reading xxx

Highlights

Its 5 months today since I had my spine fused and I feel like I am finally in a place where I can see it was worth it and say that I would do it all again. My quality of life is at a point where if I had to stay like this for the rest of my life I would be happy - its not where I was this time last year, or where I hope to be again, but I'm not in a bad place and I could live like this without many complaints.

I finished the 3 day detox last week, and I am now 10lbs lighter than I was. Tomorrow is 14 days since I last had diet coke, squash, coffee and overly processed food. I have just invested in some wheatgrass and spirulina powder to ramp up my morning juices. I think my skin looks great and I feel good - I feel healthy! Zesty! Pleased with myself!
It was hard at work yesterday. I didn't take enough food with me and I stood in the cafe, waiting for the hot water I had requested for my herbal tea bag looking at the cakes and dreaming of coffee. I didn't get any, I don't need it right now. I'm not saying never, I'm just not right now.

 

I have been making plenty of time for the gym and the turbo, and I hope to get back out on my bike with Emma this autumn. 

The only thing I feel disappointed with is running. Running has become my nemesis. This thing that I couldn't and wouldn't do, that I did and grew to love, and that I still can't get back to. Yet.

Last weekend we went to stay with my parents straight after work. Paul wanted to to do a run through of the Ironman route and so he and my dad went out on their bikes, whilst my mum took me and my sister out for breakfast and to feed the ducks.

 

Speaking of cycling with Emma, she held an exhibition this week and displayed some of her paintings. It was fab Emma! Well done!

A colleague of Emma's had done some clay pieces that held huge significance for me and I would love to have the opportunity to ask her what inspired her to make a spine and a spine fused with metal!

We also spent a lovely morning at Bursledon windmill this week - an interactive 'wind in the willows' story session.

Sorry for the delay in posts this week Clanettes! Its been a crazy one, lots of appointments, sewing and working.

Thanks for reading xx

My week in pictures

I have tried really hard this week to take a picture of one thing every day - sometimes a couple of things, sometimes just a 'selfie', but a picture nonetheless.

Its been a busy, HOT, one. I took an official stand this week, I drew a line in the sand (ok, there was no sand) but I did say 'enough is enough'. And whilst I can't share the details with you, and I may never be able to, I can say that I stood up for myself and whatever comes next, I did the right thing. Cryptic I know, but as I always say.. this is my blog.. about me! (If you know me personally, feel free to ask me next time I see you!)

Anyway.

Monday:
Look at the amazing tissues that Vikki treat me too. I do love a good skull!

Tuesday:
Zebra bunting for Elle's birthday! When I was recuperating, I knitted Lucy an 'Ugly cow horse' (what it lacked in beauty, it made up for in love!) anyway, at the time Elle jokingly challenged me to make her a zebra.. Zebra bunting much Elle?!

Wednesday:
I had lunch with Lucy today - they have now gone on holiday. Happy holiday Lucy!!
Bebe needed a super hero costume for school.. After a bit of faffing we hit upon the idea of mask.. Cue some cardboard, attached to some sunglasses.. and lots of glitter! As modelled by Niamh, mid photo bomb!

Thursday:
We took the toddlers to a local ruined Abby for a run around.

Friday:
Work!

Saturday:
Paul and Adam, with their charity hats on, came to the store and cycled on their turbo's for 6 hours to raise awareness for Neuroblastomo!!  Total combined mileage was 180.5!! And they raised over £150. They brought balloons, t shirts and an elephant costume.. Great!

Saturday night:
And in the evening, I went for a meal and cocktails to celebrate Elle's birthday, and non-hen night.

I always seem to wear this dress on a night out (like I go on many!!) but as Beyonce has Sacha Fierce, so I too have... Well, I'm not sure what her name is, but she deffo likes a tight leopard print dress and heels!

In league with Elle's hubby, Vikki and I set up a game of Mr and Mrs and obviously I needed my game show glasses and Bebe's barbie microphone..

 Cocktails...

 A selfie with Elle's sister, Sandy

 More cocktails..

Elle herself! HI ELLE! Loving your zebra corsage!

Sunday:
Ending on a bit of a high.. We had a fab family day today, and spent most of it swimming at Pauls gym. I went to the gym on my own late this afternoon and after my usual round of bike/cross trainer I hopped on the treadmill.. Its been a few weeks since I last tried and decided against running.. This Thursday sees me at 4 months post spinal fusion.. And today I ran. Ok, what I mean is I ran 1 min, walked 1 min, then ran 2mins, walked 1, ran 3 mins, walked 1 min.. and then continuously ran for 4 mins. That's 10 mins in total.. BLOODY AMAZING!! IN YOUR FACE SPINAL FUSION!!! I feel like this is something I can start building on maybe. It felt 'achievable' for the first time - rather than feeling like I was pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I'm not sure I'm making sense. But anyway. My fitness is good, my back felt solid, like I could train it to run again and 4 mins on the treadmill didn't kill me. Win!

I'm ending the week with another Selfie.

Personally I'm in a good place right now and I can't ask for more than that.
Thanks for reading xxx