Thank you

Dear Paul

Thank you for taking over this year, for being strong enough for both us and taking the rough with the smooth, with the rough. 

I know you don't get it, but you are always trying to see beyond my 'block' and look to the positive. You have made the process of being distant from life possible and supported my hesitant return.

How you look after the children on 'Daddy days' fills me with love and pride and joy. They adore the projects you take on with them, the trips out and the treats.

Love you so much, thank you for the last ten years, here's to the next xxxxxx

Taming the beast

I've had a couple of lightening moments of clarity this week, and for the first time in a while I've felt a flutter of genuine excitement. I needed to write to you all and share the process.. Bear with me..!

As I mentioned, I've been taking some tablets to help me manage my head space and emotions. They are working a treat and I am able to manage and help myself cope with 'stuff' a bit better. A lot better actually. But on the flip side I'm aware that I am taking a chemical to alter my brain patterns and that any improvements I'm feeling aren't potentially real.. If you see what I mean. (As an aside, I get frustrated when I see my counsellor and she makes me fill out a form detailing my feelings on a sliding scale... OF COURSE IM FEELING LESS DEPRESSED! Hellloooo! I've got anti-depressants!! Ahem. Anyway.)

My first lightening moment of the week happened with the annoying counsellor, who I hate seeing and who I dont value the time I 'waste' with. Damnit, I'm aware of the irony. I wasn't aware of the lightening moment when it happened either, I was to busy crying for myself and hating her session. But a couple of days of calm process later and I can clearly see her point. 

I am too busy managing everyone else's feelings, to manage my own.

That's a scary thing to put out there. It's a big thing to admit to and recognise. But recognise it I have. I have realised that I worry more about how to manage other peoples reaction to me and or my feelings, and I don't process my own feelings. For example, I will worry more about how my depression effects you, then how it effects me. I will try and make you feel better about it, long before I start on myself. I need to start letting other people own how they feel, let them deal with that, and just own my own shizzle. 

Phew. 

So then. Today I went to see my osteopath. He's an amazing guy, at least a generation older than me, turtleneck and flip flop wearing. I'm a little bit in love with him. Not only does he help my broken body (I'm aware of the strong term there), he also offers unintentional counsel.

At the start of every session he watches me walk back and forth across the room to gauge my gait and levels of discomfort etc. Today he commented 'you always walk so nervously Sarah, are you in pain?' I laughed and said, 'Ironically no. Not today. Between you and Lucy (massage), you are both taming the beast at the moment'

Bam. 

The lightening moment was realising, as I laid on his couch and he manipulated my pelvis, was that I am nervous. ALL. THE. TIME. I am constantly anxious, nervous and on edge. I anxiously walk about waiting for my back, or the metal beast that lives on my back, to rear it's ugly head and stop my movement with a single sharp jab of it's whip like tail.

What an analogy.. I realise it's a bit weird to talk of steel rods as a beast. I realise it's a bit odd to walk around nervously waiting for the next bite. 

Whilst it's odd, it has also opened up the realisation that I am feeling so anxious about everything and everyone because I am waiting for the next beating. I am broken and cowed into submission by a piece of metal that was (and actually does to a degree) supposed to fix me.

What a head space to live in.

The excitement I'm feeling comes from

knowing I am making small, if painful, realisations. I am not stuck in a repeating pattern anymore. Things are changing. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

There is hope.

Thanks for reading xxx

Taboo

Clanettes!! This is another of my awkward post large gap in posts, post.. It's been a few weeks since my last update and I apologise. Things have changed slightly at home and my nearest and dearest (not the same ones as last time!) didn't want me to necessarily talk about what I'm about to talk about, but you know, sometimes you have to talk about taboo subjects. 

Two things this week have made me decide to broach the subject I'm about to, eventually, get round too. 

The first one was a story over in the US, a chap called Micheal Sam got drafted into some major league sports something or other and during the live feed of this draft announcement, he kissed his boyfriend. I've seen it, my kids have seen it, and we have all agreed that it's nice footage of a man celebrating an achievement with his boyfriend. But woah the backlash in America!! I've watched a YouTube clip of some women on a talk show (similar to 'loose women' in the UK) and they got into such an argument over the rights and wrongs of the footage that one of them stormed off set. Seriously, in this day and age?! Is gay kissing really a taboo subject?

The second thing this week, is that it's national mental health week. If you can't talk about taboo subjects during their national week, when can you?

We're had a lovely few weeks, we went camping, Bebe turned 6 and we had a lovely party, I was offered (and turned down!) a new job (they even rang me back twice!), I've had tonsilitis and been shown just how grown up and amazing my children are when it comes to 24 hrs of needing them to look after themselves a bit. The weird thing is that I can look back at all of it and appreciate it and see it and cherish it, and still be removed from it.  When I went to see the dr for my tonsils, I alway got myself a little prescription to help me wade through the muddle in my head. 

The first few days were horrible. I felt very nauseas and light headed, even spacey maybe and I decided that these tablets were not for me. After nearly two weeks I feel so much better. About EVERYTHING!  

One of the other things I have admitted in the last couple of weeks is that my back isn't right. I mean it really isn't right. Old 'catch' pain not right. I haven't been able to understand how I was supposed to blasély 'move on' or accept 'a trade off' when actually it's going down hill at a rate of knots.. Even though I've known it's not right, you listen to your consultant when he tells you it'll be perfect in a year, or you listen to your family who have been through similar and accept that this is just what it feels like to be fused.. Life moves on, people want and need and expect you to be better, no need for a fuss anymore, the surgery was so long ago now Sarah, time to move on.. Quite easy to see how I've got myself into such a muddle really. I have a lot to talk to my counsellor about when that starts up next week!

I'm not sure how to describe what the tablets are 'giving' me. But I feel so much calmer, my anxiety is more manageable and I am able to live in the moment a bit more. Panic less. Not be so quick to anger. Relax almost. The only thing that still eludes me is sleep. Ah sleep. You rare thing, you precious, taken for granted, wotsit thing you. How I miss you!

So there you go... Taboo. Mental health. Anti-depressants. Just words.

Thanks for reading Clanettes, I've got some lovely posts full of lovely photos to show you over the next few days xxx

Defining the undefinable

I'm blogging from the cross trainer today. When I come in to spin, there is no phone action. I'm focused and determined on my spinning session. I need to burn energy and find my zen. When I come to cross train it's because I have an ulterior motive, I need a 'rest day' or a blog day. So I'm on the cross trainer right now, level 10, lightly perspiring (!) working hard enough to hear my breathing (above my quiet headphone music, currently 'Hopeless wanderer' Mumford and sons) and light enough to hold the phone and blog. You get the gist.

I have this amazing blog reader, let's call them AC ('cos they're Amazing and their name starts with a 'C'). I'm lucky enough to know them in real life (gasp!) and yesterday AC was brave enough to seek me out to say they'd read my last few posts and they were feeling a similar kind of 'undefinable low' and were also embarking on seeking help. Sad as this convo was, it was also quite comforting (for me anyway!). Weird huh.

Of everything I am feeling right now, I know three things for absolute concrete definite. I have never felt like this before. I can't define it. I don't like it.

Everything else is blurry and irrational. I can see how positive everything is, I can see my beautiful family, my amazing friends and all the positive plans I have in place. I can see them, I just can't put that into feelings. I have a cloud over me. A daily facade that I don't let slip.

Talking to my dearest is very difficult because I quickly become defensive. However hard they try to be empathetic, they just don't get it.

Then there is the guilt. Man oh man the guilt. I feel guilty that I'm not happier about my successful surgery, I feel guilty that I'm upsetting everyone, I feel guilty that I can't support everyone else right now, I feel guilty that I'm stuck on me. And I'm in reverse!

Paul and I have developed the 'nest' approach. Brazenly stolen from this meme:

We have a little emoticon that means 'nest' and I can use it to signal to Paul that I am not having a good day, and I perhaps need a little more support than usual. (If you want in on the whole nest lingo, text me and I'll sign you up. It's the latest craze you know!)

I'm not sure why I've written this post. I hate down posts! Talking to AC yesterday made me relise that although this is my journey, other people do feel the same way and actually, they do 'get it', so if we don't talk about it, nothing will ever change. And change is what I need to find. 'change your life' Littlemix, wise words. 

'All of me' by john legend, (tiesto's birthday treatment remix - THATS IMPORTANT! The original is dull)) is my fave gym song at the mo, the tempo is great, but the words really echo with me. 'My heads under water, but I'm breathing fine, you're crazy and I'm out of my mind..' I urge you to find it and listen (if you want to!) 

And to end with a wry smile, this made me smirk. Love wine!

Thanks for reading Clanettes x x x

The last two weeks

The kidlets have all had hideous chicken pox, and of course it fell right on the weekend when Paul and I had a spa break booked!! Isn't that always the way! My wonderful parents took them off anyway, so Paul and I were able to enjoy the planned break. (He managed to get through the whole experience without donning a robe! I lived in mine!)

We have spent the last few days at my parents house, it's the Easter holidays and the children are off school. (Incidentally, Niamh starts a few hours at pre-school when the new term starts!).

Just before school broke up, I was thrilled to go into school and spend the morning crafting with Lochie. 

Apologies for the poor photo, it's a photo of a poor print out of a photo!

We have also spent some time making garden bunting! The kidlets enjoyed that way more than I thought they would!

Getting back to my mum and dads, I brought my bike and went out for a cycle with my Dad. We did a lovely 21 miles and I really enjoyed it.

Unfortunately I struggled with stiffness and my hip afterwards, and so I have decided to withdraw from the sportive on the 21st. Not an easy decision for me, once I'm committed, once I'm in.. Well, I'm IN. You know? I hate letting myself down, letting everyone down. But it's the right decision for now.

I had my first CBT therapy telephone session yesterday. After recieving all the literature through and realising that the first most suggested CBT therapy was that I get some fresh air and exercise.. I was a little incredulous.. I wondered how they were going to help when me I can't fit much more exercise in! Turns out the therapist agreed with me, and I'm going to be referred for counselling. I need space and time to talk through my issues. Good luck with that!

In other, much happier news, I saw the wonderful Lakes this week! I know you're both reading this! I am really hoping to see you camping, good luck with all your upcoming excitement xxx

And my sister had her birthday. Happy birthday Emoose!! Em is 18 weeks preggo with my newest niece or nephew and looking wonderful. Love you xxx

Thanks for reading Clanettes xxx

In other news

There have been and continue to be bright sparks in my world.  

Over the last three weeks these are a few, in no particular order..

The bigs made veggie pals

Getting the front garden clear and ready for planting!

Going for a meal and having far far to much to drink!

Joining a new posh gym ('Paul's' gym, the local virgin active!) and having the use of a crèche!

First aid training...

The children and their friends

Being able to go to the re gym as a family

Moon lodge. Sitting fireside with Lucy, and like minded ladies, and drumming/singing is one of the most uplifting things you can experience!

Cycling to a pub with Paul!

You see Clanettes! It's not all doom and gloom. Thanks for all the supportive feedback I've had following my last post. I'm touched by it all. I've taken action, I've made a positive step and I will keep you posted on the road as it unravels xxx

Change

This is that awkard first blog post after nearly three weeks away... I have so much to write and not an easy place to start.
It was mentioned to me a couple of posts ago, that I seem very negative, that I don't seem to be looking forward and that the happy go lucky blog of a while ago was missing. I'll be honest. I didn't take hearing those words very well. It made me angry frankly. Who is anyone to judge my path, and how I am feeling? I'll be over 'it' when I'm good and ready thanks. I own this is experience called life, its mine, all of it.

So I took the well meaning convo and threw my blogging toys out of the metaphorical pram and avoided writing. If I have nothing positive to say, then surely there is no point in writing? But you see, I write this blog for me, as time passes and allows me the privilege of looking back, I like seeing photos and reading anecdotes. I love blogging. I miss blogging.

So I'm blogging.

However hard it was to hear what in essence felt like I was being told 'Its been a year Sarah, stop moping, the op was a massive success, get over it' (Apologies to you, convo-er, I know that will be hard to read, but this is my blog and that's what I felt like you were saying even though I know you weren't. I love you xxx), I have made many small changes and I have realised that what I am feeling goes beyond simply moping. I am not feeling myself and I haven't been for sometime.

So I've pulled my big girl pants on and been to see my dr. It mainly involved me crying lots and saying that I felt unhappy, which is ridiculous, but I do even though I can see all the positive and that I should be on top of the world.. I'm just not feeling the love.

I've been referred to http://www.steps2wellbeing.co.uk/ for some emotional help and support.

There! I've said it!! The elephant can be welcomed into the room - HI NELLY!!

Now that I have said it, I can leave it for a while to sit. Rest assured I will mention it again when I have a better handle on what I'm dealing with.

Thanks for reading Clanettes, my next post will be nice and light, prom prom xxxx