Sunday, April 13, 2014

Defining the undefinable

I'm blogging from the cross trainer today. When I come in to spin, there is no phone action. I'm focused and determined on my spinning session. I need to burn energy and find my zen. When I come to cross train it's because I have an ulterior motive, I need a 'rest day' or a blog day. So I'm on the cross trainer right now, level 10, lightly perspiring (!) working hard enough to hear my breathing (above my quiet headphone music, currently 'Hopeless wanderer' Mumford and sons) and light enough to hold the phone and blog. You get the gist.

I have this amazing blog reader, let's call them AC ('cos they're Amazing and their name starts with a 'C'). I'm lucky enough to know them in real life (gasp!) and yesterday AC was brave enough to seek me out to say they'd read my last few posts and they were feeling a similar kind of 'undefinable low' and were also embarking on seeking help. Sad as this convo was, it was also quite comforting (for me anyway!). Weird huh.

Of everything I am feeling right now, I know three things for absolute concrete definite. I have never felt like this before. I can't define it. I don't like it.

Everything else is blurry and irrational. I can see how positive everything is, I can see my beautiful family, my amazing friends and all the positive plans I have in place. I can see them, I just can't put that into feelings. I have a cloud over me. A daily facade that I don't let slip.

Talking to my dearest is very difficult because I quickly become defensive. However hard they try to be empathetic, they just don't get it.

Then there is the guilt. Man oh man the guilt. I feel guilty that I'm not happier about my successful surgery, I feel guilty that I'm upsetting everyone, I feel guilty that I can't support everyone else right now, I feel guilty that I'm stuck on me. And I'm in reverse!

Paul and I have developed the 'nest' approach. Brazenly stolen from this meme:
We have a little emoticon that means 'nest' and I can use it to signal to Paul that I am not having a good day, and I perhaps need a little more support than usual. (If you want in on the whole nest lingo, text me and I'll sign you up. It's the latest craze you know!)

I'm not sure why I've written this post. I hate down posts! Talking to AC yesterday made me relise that although this is my journey, other people do feel the same way and actually, they do 'get it', so if we don't talk about it, nothing will ever change. And change is what I need to find. 'change your life' Littlemix, wise words. 

'All of me' by john legend, (tiesto's birthday treatment remix - THATS IMPORTANT! The original is dull)) is my fave gym song at the mo, the tempo is great, but the words really echo with me. 'My heads under water, but I'm breathing fine, you're crazy and I'm out of my mind..' I urge you to find it and listen (if you want to!) 

And to end with a wry smile, this made me smirk. Love wine!

Thanks for reading Clanettes x x x

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