Thank you

Dear Paul

Thank you for taking over this year, for being strong enough for both us and taking the rough with the smooth, with the rough. 

I know you don't get it, but you are always trying to see beyond my 'block' and look to the positive. You have made the process of being distant from life possible and supported my hesitant return.

How you look after the children on 'Daddy days' fills me with love and pride and joy. They adore the projects you take on with them, the trips out and the treats.

Love you so much, thank you for the last ten years, here's to the next xxxxxx

Defining the undefinable

I'm blogging from the cross trainer today. When I come in to spin, there is no phone action. I'm focused and determined on my spinning session. I need to burn energy and find my zen. When I come to cross train it's because I have an ulterior motive, I need a 'rest day' or a blog day. So I'm on the cross trainer right now, level 10, lightly perspiring (!) working hard enough to hear my breathing (above my quiet headphone music, currently 'Hopeless wanderer' Mumford and sons) and light enough to hold the phone and blog. You get the gist.

I have this amazing blog reader, let's call them AC ('cos they're Amazing and their name starts with a 'C'). I'm lucky enough to know them in real life (gasp!) and yesterday AC was brave enough to seek me out to say they'd read my last few posts and they were feeling a similar kind of 'undefinable low' and were also embarking on seeking help. Sad as this convo was, it was also quite comforting (for me anyway!). Weird huh.

Of everything I am feeling right now, I know three things for absolute concrete definite. I have never felt like this before. I can't define it. I don't like it.

Everything else is blurry and irrational. I can see how positive everything is, I can see my beautiful family, my amazing friends and all the positive plans I have in place. I can see them, I just can't put that into feelings. I have a cloud over me. A daily facade that I don't let slip.

Talking to my dearest is very difficult because I quickly become defensive. However hard they try to be empathetic, they just don't get it.

Then there is the guilt. Man oh man the guilt. I feel guilty that I'm not happier about my successful surgery, I feel guilty that I'm upsetting everyone, I feel guilty that I can't support everyone else right now, I feel guilty that I'm stuck on me. And I'm in reverse!

Paul and I have developed the 'nest' approach. Brazenly stolen from this meme:

We have a little emoticon that means 'nest' and I can use it to signal to Paul that I am not having a good day, and I perhaps need a little more support than usual. (If you want in on the whole nest lingo, text me and I'll sign you up. It's the latest craze you know!)

I'm not sure why I've written this post. I hate down posts! Talking to AC yesterday made me relise that although this is my journey, other people do feel the same way and actually, they do 'get it', so if we don't talk about it, nothing will ever change. And change is what I need to find. 'change your life' Littlemix, wise words. 

'All of me' by john legend, (tiesto's birthday treatment remix - THATS IMPORTANT! The original is dull)) is my fave gym song at the mo, the tempo is great, but the words really echo with me. 'My heads under water, but I'm breathing fine, you're crazy and I'm out of my mind..' I urge you to find it and listen (if you want to!) 

And to end with a wry smile, this made me smirk. Love wine!

Thanks for reading Clanettes x x x

In other news

There have been and continue to be bright sparks in my world.  

Over the last three weeks these are a few, in no particular order..

The bigs made veggie pals

Getting the front garden clear and ready for planting!

Going for a meal and having far far to much to drink!

Joining a new posh gym ('Paul's' gym, the local virgin active!) and having the use of a crèche!

First aid training...

The children and their friends

Being able to go to the re gym as a family

Moon lodge. Sitting fireside with Lucy, and like minded ladies, and drumming/singing is one of the most uplifting things you can experience!

Cycling to a pub with Paul!

You see Clanettes! It's not all doom and gloom. Thanks for all the supportive feedback I've had following my last post. I'm touched by it all. I've taken action, I've made a positive step and I will keep you posted on the road as it unravels xxx

BIKE

Paul, Emma and I went out on our bikes last weekend. The first test for the sportive in April. We went out late afternoon, after Niamh's birthday party, so time and light were against us.

Up until Sunday, the furthest distance I had cycled in the last 15 months was the 8miles I did with my friend Jo in Wales last August.. I had no clue on my ability, stamina or mind set.. I was nervous!! 

From the few times I cycled the 2 miles to and from work during the autumn, I knew that I had lost a lot of confidence. I've never come off my bike, I've never had an accident and never been worried about it. But for some reason it now plays on my mind all the the time! I am a nervous nelly, constantly watching for pot holes and other magnets which will either jarr my back or make me fall off.. Paul says it makes me a better rider.. All I know is that it makes my thighs ache, constantly lifting my bum off the saddle!!

Emma very sadly had her beloved bike stolen a couple of weeks ago, so she borrowed another friends bike and after a few adjustments we were off!

Only we weren't, because Paul's road bike sprung a spontaneous puncture and to save time he took his time trial bike..!

Half way round I was feeling so good that we decided to up the 10miles to 15miles, adjust the route and race home before the light went.. But then I got a puncture! More time wasted.

But we did it!!! I LOVED IT! How I have missed my bike, how I have missed cycling with Paul. How I missed my cycling adventures with Emma! We added a further half again onto our route, and despite my fears I came home a conqueror! I've lost quite a bit of movement in my back (duh! It's called fusion for a reason!) which means Im going to have to relearn how to look over my shoulder when pulling out into traffic and I have other minor adjustments to figure out, but I'm not worried about it anymore!

The following day Emma, Vikki and I took all the kidlets to the park for fresh air and it was so nice to hear that Emma had enjoyed the ride as much as I did.

Apart from anything else, the ride proved how valuable and well spent my time in the gym is. 

I go to the gym, slog my heart out on the cross trainer, angry beyond reason that I'm not well enough to run yet, jealous of the people on the treadmill and wonder at the point of it all.. Then I'm able to spontaneously go out on my bike and take 15miles in my stride.. Well worth the effort!

Whoop whoop!!

Thanks for reading Clanettes xx

THE plan

Clanettes! Niamh turns 3 next week! THREE! Time is creeping past, after all the Feb birthdays we hit March and then I'm 1 year post fusion.

I think its time I shared my life plan with you.

I mentioned I have applied to college.. Well, using an exerp from an email I sent my parents last week, let me explain what I'm actually doing.. 

"The course at college I applied for this morning is called 'access to higher education' for people over 24yrs who want to go to uni and either haven't got any qualifications or who haven't studied for a number of years. There are 5 modules, I can remember that two are social science and history off the top of my head. I choose 4 modules.

It starts in sept, 4 mornings a week. 9.15-12.15. There is an onsite crèche for Niamh (and hopefully pre-school!) The bigs will go to breakfast club at school. It's an academic year long.

It costs a lot and I need a specific loan from the govt.

I then apply for midwifery at Southampton uni. That course is full time and 4 academic years long.. I apply for the course fees using the same loan as the college and then when I graduate the govt write off both loans because they desperately need midwives.

Because the course is in essence free, 200+ people apply for 35 spaces.. They are picky and I need to stand out. Hence volunteering etc.

It's a very long term goal!! Terrifying in fact. I will hear from the college in May as to wether I've got an interview for a space on the access course."

 

Eeeek! I've written it down now. I've put it out there..

 Me and my colleague Caroline, just before our demo's. Caroline talks about baby monitors.

My demo paraphanalia

A good shot to show you the size of the group of people listening.

A glorious shot of my bald patch, just as I started my talk.  

I'm hoping that I will be able to use shots like the ones above to show that I have carried my love of supporting pregnant mums through into my retail job, ever working towards my goal of midwife.

With regard to volunteering, I keep a diary and write up each visit as I get in so thats its fresh. Two recent anecdotes spring to mind for you Clanettes... On the ward where I volunteer, each patient room has 4 beds in it, split with curtains. The space isn't massive and one bed and chair is in each division, with not a lot of room for anything else. When I go into each room, I shake the curtain and call 'knock knock' to let the people behind the curtain know that I'm there, then I poke my head round whilst introducing myself. They either invite me round or I politely move away.. You never ever know what you are going to get behind a curtain.. A couple of weeks ago I poked my head round a curtain, after invitiation, to be faced with a packed space full of African tribes people in full of tribal outfits. They were all clearly talking about in a very different language and I was massively intimidated... MASSIVELY. But help the lady I did. 

Secondly, in only 5 weeks, I have also learnt that not everyone is happy to see you in a different setting. Whilst helping out in the cafe at work last week, looking particularly sweaty from dishwash stacking during a busy lunch time, I put a stack of trays back in their resting place, whirled round and came face to face with a lady I had helped the week before. The last time I had seen her she was at her most vulnerable, only hours after giving birth without many clothes on. She clearly recognised me, and then chose to ignore me (As is her right, I would never acknowledge anyone I knew from the hospital until they had acknowledged me) the problem that remained was her being sat on the only free table, looking right at me as I filled the dishwasher in the back of the cafe.. I didn't know what to do with myself!

Away from work and volunteering, we managed to get out the park over the weekend and enjoy some sunshine - even though everything seems flooded!

I leave you with some shots of Niamh with Barney and Liv, Vikki's baby's. I wanted to publically thank you VF, for loving Niamh like one of your own. Your pep talks and plans for pre-school runs and kidlet swapping have settled me no end when I think of the juggling act I want to embark on. Thank you xxx

Juice detox take two - final thoughts

It's Sunday today, I'm writing this post on the treadmill at my gym. I've just done a sweaty half hour on the cross trainer and I'm now cooling off and typing on my phone.

The five day juice detox ended on Friday, and I weighed in yesterday morning (Saturday) at 13st 10lbs. A 10lb loss. I'm thrilled!! Absolutely delighted!! More over, I FEEL AMAZING!

Friday night was tough, that surprised me. I didn't really help myself though, I had a whole chicken in the fridge about to go out of date and no room in my freezer.. So I roasted it. Smelled heavenly! I did some food prepping for this weekend, knowing I was working yesterday. And I made my lunch for work with the tenderness and excitement that people normally reserve for new babies!!

After 5 days of nothing but fruit and vegetable juice, I was keen to go easy on my body yesterday. Which meant planning, because the lovely cafe at work does not do 'kind' food. 

Yesterday consisted of:

Hot water and lemon juice, and a 'liquorice and peppermint' herbal tea made upon waking and allowed to cool.

Apple and ginger juice shot

Breakfast was a pineapple and green veg juice, so my body was happy going to work.

On my morning break I had a banana and four oatcakes, with peanut butter. I can't tell you how much I love oatcakes and peanut butter. It's my go to snack. I may have been a little giddy as I ate then very S L O W L Y, just because I could. Washed down with more peppermint and liquorice tea.

Lunch was brown rice, salad and tuna, but I only ate half, I couldn't be bothered with the chewing!! But I devoured my plain live yoghurt, honey and blueberries and a little treat packet of dried strawberries. Washed down with 'squash' (juiced pineapple and lemon diluted with water) and some carbonated water.

My afternoon snack was a Nakd bar and grapes, and the rest of my 'squash'. Glorious!!

I was super excited for my dinner. Paul and the kidlets picked me up from work, we dashed home, and then I dashed straight back out for a lovely evening at Lucy's. She cooked salmon fillets, lightly spiced brown rice and asparagus with greens. Like heaven to my mouth and my body!!

Juicing teaches lots of life lessons and I think everyone experiences these lessons differently. I was a size 24 at my biggest, just shy of 18st and after a year of being at a size 14, despite everything my body has been through and accomplishes this year, I have clearly hit my body's happy weight. Regardless of what my head thinks!

If you did the global juice last week, and you competed it as directed, well done you. You have hard core mental attitude! Big up yourself xxxx

Reflection

We are back at school, and work, and back into 'normal' routine. I am doing over time and volunteering at the hospital, I have fit in exercise where appropriate and I'm about to embark on a juice fast. I thought as I drove home this evening, Little mix 'change your life' blaring, that I am feeling content. It's been awhile since I have been able to say that. I always seem to be striving for bigger or better, pushing myself sometimes unnecessarily, because everything I need is here if I know where to look.

This week Niamh and I embarked on a new fun group, and she really loved it. I enjoyed seeing her enjoy herself and doing something specially just with her.

She goes to another group on a Monday, here she is playing with Livvi.

The bigs went back to swimming. Lochie is now a grade 4, Bebe a grade 3. They both went in at the deep end for the first time this week.

Lochie went to the theatre in his own with Beavers this week. How did he get so big?!

Paul has been poorly this week, and whilst it's horrid when you're poorly, it has when nice to have him at home!

I find it hard to talk about all the things I would change about last year, I find it even harder to talk about all the things I wish I had goals set for, for this year. But it's getting easier to be content in the moment. I am finding fulfillment in myself away from sport, and I didn't realise the crutch it was, until it was taken away from me. It isn't the be all and end all, and yet I can recognise that I do need it in my life - in a way that benefits my body!

The other thing to note, yet again, is how good yoga is for me. I spent the whole day on an active dept. today and my back is getting so strong with lifting. I can really notice it. It is good!

I went straight from work to volunteer at the hospital again this evening. I really enjoy the time I spend there, I feel massively useful. (Finally!) Tonight I was lucky enough to sit with two incredible mums. The first mum had lost her first baby at two weeks old, she was so worried about her new baby and I was privileged to sit and listen to her talk through her birth story. The second mum, with her first baby (Orla! Beautiful name!), was a total feeding dream and a delight to talk to and support. I got to have a cuddle too. Definite perks!

So clanettes, I feel like I'm going through yet another period of growth and renewal, thanks for sticking with me! 

5 day juice fast this week, I'll update on that later.

Lots of love xxx