Christie wedding

I love a good wedding. I love the fresh faced innocence of true love getting married. There was something extra special about yesterday's Christie wedding, I totes welled up at the vows the resonate as Paul and I celebrate our 10 year anniversary. I felt all smooshy and emotional. 

To Mr and Mrs Rory and Kaye Christie, congratulations on your marriage!! We loved sharing your day, here's to happily ever after xxx

Holibobs

We are in Scotland for a week!! Paul's cousin is getting married (today!) and all of the Christies have returned to Troon, in Ayr (where Paul and most of his cousins were born). 

The drive took the best part of 8 hours, and we decided to leave at 2.30am to get the most out of no traffic and potential kidlet sleepage.. I was the only one who slept!

The journey was sponsored by Harry Potter and The BFG audio books, and the sound track to 'Frozen' and the musical 'The lion king'. 

We arrived at Paul's uncle's house, said hello to most of the family before going

to check in at our caravan on a haven park.

After the wedding and all the family engagements this weekend, we've got a week of relaxed activates planned. Paul is excited to take the children round the area he remembers from his childhood. Bliss.

New arrival

Welcome to the world Dylan Cai Rhys-Davies!! Your mummy did an amazing job!! So proud of you Elle xxxx

Thank you

Dear Paul

Thank you for taking over this year, for being strong enough for both us and taking the rough with the smooth, with the rough. 

I know you don't get it, but you are always trying to see beyond my 'block' and look to the positive. You have made the process of being distant from life possible and supported my hesitant return.

How you look after the children on 'Daddy days' fills me with love and pride and joy. They adore the projects you take on with them, the trips out and the treats.

Love you so much, thank you for the last ten years, here's to the next xxxxxx

Bournemouth baby

Vikki and I took ourselves off for a girly weekend in Bournemouth, we booked a lovely hotel a stones throw from the beach and hopped on a train.. After we had been with Lucy and treat ourselves to some new ink!

The ink I had before

The proposed new ink

The finished (so sore SORE  S O R E!) product

Our weekend went a little like this

Once we arrived in Bournemouth and had checked in, we relaxed in the room for a while, had a little drink and then headed out for the evening.

We had a stroll on the beachside promenade and a ride on the funfair 

Finished up with a late Indian banquet

And then a massive fry up in the hotel the following morning.

A glorious weekend! Thank you for coming to the tattoo shop with us Lucy, thank you for taking me to Bournemouth Vikki xxxxx

Birthday

I turned 34 on the 01st June Clanettes! I have a big old blog post brewing, and thought I'd sandwich it with happiness. Who doesn't love a fresh happy sandwich!

So, enjoy some happy photos of my birthday and the spoiling I recieved ❤️

Taming the beast

I've had a couple of lightening moments of clarity this week, and for the first time in a while I've felt a flutter of genuine excitement. I needed to write to you all and share the process.. Bear with me..!

As I mentioned, I've been taking some tablets to help me manage my head space and emotions. They are working a treat and I am able to manage and help myself cope with 'stuff' a bit better. A lot better actually. But on the flip side I'm aware that I am taking a chemical to alter my brain patterns and that any improvements I'm feeling aren't potentially real.. If you see what I mean. (As an aside, I get frustrated when I see my counsellor and she makes me fill out a form detailing my feelings on a sliding scale... OF COURSE IM FEELING LESS DEPRESSED! Hellloooo! I've got anti-depressants!! Ahem. Anyway.)

My first lightening moment of the week happened with the annoying counsellor, who I hate seeing and who I dont value the time I 'waste' with. Damnit, I'm aware of the irony. I wasn't aware of the lightening moment when it happened either, I was to busy crying for myself and hating her session. But a couple of days of calm process later and I can clearly see her point. 

I am too busy managing everyone else's feelings, to manage my own.

That's a scary thing to put out there. It's a big thing to admit to and recognise. But recognise it I have. I have realised that I worry more about how to manage other peoples reaction to me and or my feelings, and I don't process my own feelings. For example, I will worry more about how my depression effects you, then how it effects me. I will try and make you feel better about it, long before I start on myself. I need to start letting other people own how they feel, let them deal with that, and just own my own shizzle. 

Phew. 

So then. Today I went to see my osteopath. He's an amazing guy, at least a generation older than me, turtleneck and flip flop wearing. I'm a little bit in love with him. Not only does he help my broken body (I'm aware of the strong term there), he also offers unintentional counsel.

At the start of every session he watches me walk back and forth across the room to gauge my gait and levels of discomfort etc. Today he commented 'you always walk so nervously Sarah, are you in pain?' I laughed and said, 'Ironically no. Not today. Between you and Lucy (massage), you are both taming the beast at the moment'

Bam. 

The lightening moment was realising, as I laid on his couch and he manipulated my pelvis, was that I am nervous. ALL. THE. TIME. I am constantly anxious, nervous and on edge. I anxiously walk about waiting for my back, or the metal beast that lives on my back, to rear it's ugly head and stop my movement with a single sharp jab of it's whip like tail.

What an analogy.. I realise it's a bit weird to talk of steel rods as a beast. I realise it's a bit odd to walk around nervously waiting for the next bite. 

Whilst it's odd, it has also opened up the realisation that I am feeling so anxious about everything and everyone because I am waiting for the next beating. I am broken and cowed into submission by a piece of metal that was (and actually does to a degree) supposed to fix me.

What a head space to live in.

The excitement I'm feeling comes from

knowing I am making small, if painful, realisations. I am not stuck in a repeating pattern anymore. Things are changing. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

There is hope.

Thanks for reading xxx