You know I'm not feeling the groove when I'm not spamming your inboxes with narrative.. and it is true, I am not feeling the groove at the moment.
I AM FRUSTRATED AND I AM ANGRY.SO ANGRY.
There, I said it. I got it out, and I wrote it down. Phew.
Spinal fusion was 11 weeks ago tomorrow and it seems that the further out from surgery I get, the better I physically get post surgery, the more people expect the old Sarah back, the crosser and more frustrated I feel. Almost like delayed traumatic stress or something.
So indulge me for a mo, I promise I won't harp on for long, but I am going to whinge (hopefully briefly) and then attempt to move on.. Ok?
Now that its June, I am sharply aware of the contrast of my life this year to last. This time last year I was 2 weeks away from a triathlon, running, swimming, cycling 50 miles a week, planting and bringing in veg from the garden.. I took it all for granted, true, but I loved every second of it. Even at Christmas time, even when I knew my back wasn't right, it didn't occur to me that surgery was on the cards or that this summer wouldn't follow the pattern of last summer.
Yet here I am, supposedly fixed, chomping at the 'bit' to get back to 'normal' and feeling frustrated to tears with my lack of physical ability.
I suppose I feel even worse because I should be grateful shouldn't I. The old pain is gone, and actually I am grateful for that, of course I am, but I do wonder where I go from here. When will it be enough?
I have been signed off from physio, with stiff warnings about running too soon and contrary congratulations about seeing so few people so determined to get back to physical activity. My surgeon is happy with my recovery and doesn't want to see me again for a while.. Great. Everyone is happy - BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?!
The term 'feeling lost' I think best describes me. I don't know how to go about being me right now. What do I do with my 'down' time when I can't do what I love?
Thanks for reading, I appreciate your support x x