Niamhs third birthday

Fuse-iversary

The 25th March sees me at one year post fusion and I think we can all agree that I have been struggling mentally recently. I realise some would say I am mental and struggle generally, but even I would admit to some fusion related anger recently.

On Saturday I spent the afternoon with my amazing friend Emma, amongst other parts if our friendship, she is my long missed cycling partner.. We went to a vintage fayre at the weekend, hoping for chintz, tea pots, cake stands and tea pots.. Instead we got shell suits and a cream tea.. One out of three isn't bad!!

After a lovely afternoon, and some tears on my part (apologies once again Emma, I didn't intend to cry at you! Even though I do admit to being one of life's cryers!) I realised that whilst I have spent the last year healing, I have also spent the last year resenting everything about healing.

Clearly it's time to take action Sarah, muster some heave ho and crack on. 

So I've booked a sportive. It's nothing compared to what I have achieved in the past, but given then I have only ridden my bike 6 times in the last year.. It's a challenge and that's what I need.

It's a 38 mile trip around Winchester and looks like a lovely gentle route. Perfect for my first foray back into the world of sportive cycling. And best of all, I get to do it with Emma, with my Dad and with Paul. A whole team of supporters!

I miss this!! I miss my bike!!

A New Forest sportive with Paul in 2012

A sky ride with Emma and Chez in 2012

A woodcote sportive with my Dad in 2012.

I'm ready to get back on my bike and have a bit of fun!! Man I've got some work ahead of me if I want to cycle 38 miles in 9 weeks time..!

THE plan

Clanettes! Niamh turns 3 next week! THREE! Time is creeping past, after all the Feb birthdays we hit March and then I'm 1 year post fusion.

I think its time I shared my life plan with you.

I mentioned I have applied to college.. Well, using an exerp from an email I sent my parents last week, let me explain what I'm actually doing.. 

"The course at college I applied for this morning is called 'access to higher education' for people over 24yrs who want to go to uni and either haven't got any qualifications or who haven't studied for a number of years. There are 5 modules, I can remember that two are social science and history off the top of my head. I choose 4 modules.

It starts in sept, 4 mornings a week. 9.15-12.15. There is an onsite crèche for Niamh (and hopefully pre-school!) The bigs will go to breakfast club at school. It's an academic year long.

It costs a lot and I need a specific loan from the govt.

I then apply for midwifery at Southampton uni. That course is full time and 4 academic years long.. I apply for the course fees using the same loan as the college and then when I graduate the govt write off both loans because they desperately need midwives.

Because the course is in essence free, 200+ people apply for 35 spaces.. They are picky and I need to stand out. Hence volunteering etc.

It's a very long term goal!! Terrifying in fact. I will hear from the college in May as to wether I've got an interview for a space on the access course."

 

Eeeek! I've written it down now. I've put it out there..

 Me and my colleague Caroline, just before our demo's. Caroline talks about baby monitors.

My demo paraphanalia

A good shot to show you the size of the group of people listening.

A glorious shot of my bald patch, just as I started my talk.  

I'm hoping that I will be able to use shots like the ones above to show that I have carried my love of supporting pregnant mums through into my retail job, ever working towards my goal of midwife.

With regard to volunteering, I keep a diary and write up each visit as I get in so thats its fresh. Two recent anecdotes spring to mind for you Clanettes... On the ward where I volunteer, each patient room has 4 beds in it, split with curtains. The space isn't massive and one bed and chair is in each division, with not a lot of room for anything else. When I go into each room, I shake the curtain and call 'knock knock' to let the people behind the curtain know that I'm there, then I poke my head round whilst introducing myself. They either invite me round or I politely move away.. You never ever know what you are going to get behind a curtain.. A couple of weeks ago I poked my head round a curtain, after invitiation, to be faced with a packed space full of African tribes people in full of tribal outfits. They were all clearly talking about in a very different language and I was massively intimidated... MASSIVELY. But help the lady I did. 

Secondly, in only 5 weeks, I have also learnt that not everyone is happy to see you in a different setting. Whilst helping out in the cafe at work last week, looking particularly sweaty from dishwash stacking during a busy lunch time, I put a stack of trays back in their resting place, whirled round and came face to face with a lady I had helped the week before. The last time I had seen her she was at her most vulnerable, only hours after giving birth without many clothes on. She clearly recognised me, and then chose to ignore me (As is her right, I would never acknowledge anyone I knew from the hospital until they had acknowledged me) the problem that remained was her being sat on the only free table, looking right at me as I filled the dishwasher in the back of the cafe.. I didn't know what to do with myself!

Away from work and volunteering, we managed to get out the park over the weekend and enjoy some sunshine - even though everything seems flooded!

I leave you with some shots of Niamh with Barney and Liv, Vikki's baby's. I wanted to publically thank you VF, for loving Niamh like one of your own. Your pep talks and plans for pre-school runs and kidlet swapping have settled me no end when I think of the juggling act I want to embark on. Thank you xxx

Cardiff

We went Cardiff this weekend to see my sister in law and father in law. We had a lovely weekend, we want to a science museum and the kidlets were very spoilt.

The hailstorm we drove through on the way home was apocalyptic!

Thanks for having us Aunty Claire and Grampa x x x

Truth

Today I stumbled across this article called 'A new normal: 10 things I've learned about trauma'. I have read it quite a few times today. I'm going to be massively self indulgent (more so than usual!) right now, and say that spinal fusion is indeed a trauma. Its a trauma I just can't swallow!! I can really relate to the article. Point number 3 'healing is seasonal, not linear' has really touched a nerve with me, and put words to my frustrating round of 'I feel great, I'm so grateful for spinal fusion, life is just so much better' followed swiftly by 'I am angry! I used to run and run and think nothing of it and now I can't'.. I like that healing is seasonal and not necessarily linear. It makes me feel less insane. Even if I do feel like a slightly broken record.

So. To the truth. I felt amazing and in control last week whilst juicing, but this week not so much. My mental 'health' really does rely on my physical 'health' and I do need to workout to feel good. Its being able to when there are not enough hours in the day and you can't just nip over to the park. That's all I'm going to say right now, I'm trying to sort it out.

In less depressing news, actually, in massively exciting news, I have today applied for a place on the 'Access to Higher Education' course at a local college. Its a course for adults who want to go to university and who haven't studied for a long time. Fingers crossed I get an interview - and then ultimately get a place! I will keep you posted.

Thanks for letting me ramble Clanettes. When I look back at my posts over the last year, I am aware that I do put my rose tinted glasses on when describing things, because lets face it, who wants to read the depressing drivel of a broken woman. But equally, its getting on for nearly a year now and I'm starting to think that people think I should be 'over it' by now. Well sometimes I just need you to know that I'm not always as fixed as I'd like you to think I am! I'm def not 'over it'!! Ha ha!!

I'll leave you with x-ray pics of my mums fusion, compared with mine. Hers is on the left in both pictures. Hers is 25 years old and made of steel, my is obvs not yet a year and made of titanium. My fusion is clearly a lot bigger, but interestingly, my mums scare is much bigger than mine. Just need my sisters x-rays now!!

Apologie for the poor quality, these were just held up to the back door and photographed with the light (and garden!) behind them.
Lots of love x x

Juice detox take two - final thoughts

It's Sunday today, I'm writing this post on the treadmill at my gym. I've just done a sweaty half hour on the cross trainer and I'm now cooling off and typing on my phone.

The five day juice detox ended on Friday, and I weighed in yesterday morning (Saturday) at 13st 10lbs. A 10lb loss. I'm thrilled!! Absolutely delighted!! More over, I FEEL AMAZING!

Friday night was tough, that surprised me. I didn't really help myself though, I had a whole chicken in the fridge about to go out of date and no room in my freezer.. So I roasted it. Smelled heavenly! I did some food prepping for this weekend, knowing I was working yesterday. And I made my lunch for work with the tenderness and excitement that people normally reserve for new babies!!

After 5 days of nothing but fruit and vegetable juice, I was keen to go easy on my body yesterday. Which meant planning, because the lovely cafe at work does not do 'kind' food. 

Yesterday consisted of:

Hot water and lemon juice, and a 'liquorice and peppermint' herbal tea made upon waking and allowed to cool.

Apple and ginger juice shot

Breakfast was a pineapple and green veg juice, so my body was happy going to work.

On my morning break I had a banana and four oatcakes, with peanut butter. I can't tell you how much I love oatcakes and peanut butter. It's my go to snack. I may have been a little giddy as I ate then very S L O W L Y, just because I could. Washed down with more peppermint and liquorice tea.

Lunch was brown rice, salad and tuna, but I only ate half, I couldn't be bothered with the chewing!! But I devoured my plain live yoghurt, honey and blueberries and a little treat packet of dried strawberries. Washed down with 'squash' (juiced pineapple and lemon diluted with water) and some carbonated water.

My afternoon snack was a Nakd bar and grapes, and the rest of my 'squash'. Glorious!!

I was super excited for my dinner. Paul and the kidlets picked me up from work, we dashed home, and then I dashed straight back out for a lovely evening at Lucy's. She cooked salmon fillets, lightly spiced brown rice and asparagus with greens. Like heaven to my mouth and my body!!

Juicing teaches lots of life lessons and I think everyone experiences these lessons differently. I was a size 24 at my biggest, just shy of 18st and after a year of being at a size 14, despite everything my body has been through and accomplishes this year, I have clearly hit my body's happy weight. Regardless of what my head thinks!

If you did the global juice last week, and you competed it as directed, well done you. You have hard core mental attitude! Big up yourself xxxx