School

Niamh started pre-school today. I've been at home with my children for seven years, but my babies rudely insist on growing up and they are all at school now. My nest is empty during the day and it's time to embrace the next chapter in our lives.. I have upped my hours at work and we are embarking a new era.

Defining the undefinable

I'm blogging from the cross trainer today. When I come in to spin, there is no phone action. I'm focused and determined on my spinning session. I need to burn energy and find my zen. When I come to cross train it's because I have an ulterior motive, I need a 'rest day' or a blog day. So I'm on the cross trainer right now, level 10, lightly perspiring (!) working hard enough to hear my breathing (above my quiet headphone music, currently 'Hopeless wanderer' Mumford and sons) and light enough to hold the phone and blog. You get the gist.

I have this amazing blog reader, let's call them AC ('cos they're Amazing and their name starts with a 'C'). I'm lucky enough to know them in real life (gasp!) and yesterday AC was brave enough to seek me out to say they'd read my last few posts and they were feeling a similar kind of 'undefinable low' and were also embarking on seeking help. Sad as this convo was, it was also quite comforting (for me anyway!). Weird huh.

Of everything I am feeling right now, I know three things for absolute concrete definite. I have never felt like this before. I can't define it. I don't like it.

Everything else is blurry and irrational. I can see how positive everything is, I can see my beautiful family, my amazing friends and all the positive plans I have in place. I can see them, I just can't put that into feelings. I have a cloud over me. A daily facade that I don't let slip.

Talking to my dearest is very difficult because I quickly become defensive. However hard they try to be empathetic, they just don't get it.

Then there is the guilt. Man oh man the guilt. I feel guilty that I'm not happier about my successful surgery, I feel guilty that I'm upsetting everyone, I feel guilty that I can't support everyone else right now, I feel guilty that I'm stuck on me. And I'm in reverse!

Paul and I have developed the 'nest' approach. Brazenly stolen from this meme:

We have a little emoticon that means 'nest' and I can use it to signal to Paul that I am not having a good day, and I perhaps need a little more support than usual. (If you want in on the whole nest lingo, text me and I'll sign you up. It's the latest craze you know!)

I'm not sure why I've written this post. I hate down posts! Talking to AC yesterday made me relise that although this is my journey, other people do feel the same way and actually, they do 'get it', so if we don't talk about it, nothing will ever change. And change is what I need to find. 'change your life' Littlemix, wise words. 

'All of me' by john legend, (tiesto's birthday treatment remix - THATS IMPORTANT! The original is dull)) is my fave gym song at the mo, the tempo is great, but the words really echo with me. 'My heads under water, but I'm breathing fine, you're crazy and I'm out of my mind..' I urge you to find it and listen (if you want to!) 

And to end with a wry smile, this made me smirk. Love wine!

Thanks for reading Clanettes x x x

The last two weeks

The kidlets have all had hideous chicken pox, and of course it fell right on the weekend when Paul and I had a spa break booked!! Isn't that always the way! My wonderful parents took them off anyway, so Paul and I were able to enjoy the planned break. (He managed to get through the whole experience without donning a robe! I lived in mine!)

We have spent the last few days at my parents house, it's the Easter holidays and the children are off school. (Incidentally, Niamh starts a few hours at pre-school when the new term starts!).

Just before school broke up, I was thrilled to go into school and spend the morning crafting with Lochie. 

Apologies for the poor photo, it's a photo of a poor print out of a photo!

We have also spent some time making garden bunting! The kidlets enjoyed that way more than I thought they would!

Getting back to my mum and dads, I brought my bike and went out for a cycle with my Dad. We did a lovely 21 miles and I really enjoyed it.

Unfortunately I struggled with stiffness and my hip afterwards, and so I have decided to withdraw from the sportive on the 21st. Not an easy decision for me, once I'm committed, once I'm in.. Well, I'm IN. You know? I hate letting myself down, letting everyone down. But it's the right decision for now.

I had my first CBT therapy telephone session yesterday. After recieving all the literature through and realising that the first most suggested CBT therapy was that I get some fresh air and exercise.. I was a little incredulous.. I wondered how they were going to help when me I can't fit much more exercise in! Turns out the therapist agreed with me, and I'm going to be referred for counselling. I need space and time to talk through my issues. Good luck with that!

In other, much happier news, I saw the wonderful Lakes this week! I know you're both reading this! I am really hoping to see you camping, good luck with all your upcoming excitement xxx

And my sister had her birthday. Happy birthday Emoose!! Em is 18 weeks preggo with my newest niece or nephew and looking wonderful. Love you xxx

Thanks for reading Clanettes xxx

Today

One year on

I felt like I should write something about being one year post surgery but I can't think of anything to say! So have a self portrait, '18 centimetres, 12 months on'.. Or something similar (aka cooler with more street cred) if only a better title would come to me!

Thanks for sticking with me, thanks for reading xxx

In other news

There have been and continue to be bright sparks in my world.  

Over the last three weeks these are a few, in no particular order..

The bigs made veggie pals

Getting the front garden clear and ready for planting!

Going for a meal and having far far to much to drink!

Joining a new posh gym ('Paul's' gym, the local virgin active!) and having the use of a crèche!

First aid training...

The children and their friends

Being able to go to the re gym as a family

Moon lodge. Sitting fireside with Lucy, and like minded ladies, and drumming/singing is one of the most uplifting things you can experience!

Cycling to a pub with Paul!

You see Clanettes! It's not all doom and gloom. Thanks for all the supportive feedback I've had following my last post. I'm touched by it all. I've taken action, I've made a positive step and I will keep you posted on the road as it unravels xxx

Change

This is that awkard first blog post after nearly three weeks away... I have so much to write and not an easy place to start.
It was mentioned to me a couple of posts ago, that I seem very negative, that I don't seem to be looking forward and that the happy go lucky blog of a while ago was missing. I'll be honest. I didn't take hearing those words very well. It made me angry frankly. Who is anyone to judge my path, and how I am feeling? I'll be over 'it' when I'm good and ready thanks. I own this is experience called life, its mine, all of it.

So I took the well meaning convo and threw my blogging toys out of the metaphorical pram and avoided writing. If I have nothing positive to say, then surely there is no point in writing? But you see, I write this blog for me, as time passes and allows me the privilege of looking back, I like seeing photos and reading anecdotes. I love blogging. I miss blogging.

So I'm blogging.

However hard it was to hear what in essence felt like I was being told 'Its been a year Sarah, stop moping, the op was a massive success, get over it' (Apologies to you, convo-er, I know that will be hard to read, but this is my blog and that's what I felt like you were saying even though I know you weren't. I love you xxx), I have made many small changes and I have realised that what I am feeling goes beyond simply moping. I am not feeling myself and I haven't been for sometime.

So I've pulled my big girl pants on and been to see my dr. It mainly involved me crying lots and saying that I felt unhappy, which is ridiculous, but I do even though I can see all the positive and that I should be on top of the world.. I'm just not feeling the love.

I've been referred to http://www.steps2wellbeing.co.uk/ for some emotional help and support.

There! I've said it!! The elephant can be welcomed into the room - HI NELLY!!

Now that I have said it, I can leave it for a while to sit. Rest assured I will mention it again when I have a better handle on what I'm dealing with.

Thanks for reading Clanettes, my next post will be nice and light, prom prom xxxx