On the mend

Sunday
13 days post spinal fusion

I am definitely on the mend. It is a relief. Two weeks tomorrow is a long time, but finally I can definitely see, feel and notice small improvements in all aspects of me both physically and mentally. Phew!

As advised by the hospital, we took my bandages off permanently yesterday. There is no dressing on my wound now. My sister spent 20 long minutes soaking it all off and delicately peeling away the layers off to reveal a very neat incision.

My first tattoo was directly over the sight of incision and whilst I never mentioned it to the surgeon, I did wonder what it would look like afterwards. I am delighted! My surgeon is an artist! Such a neat, thin, straight wound. 19cms straight through my tattoo, but it has been precisely sewn back together and looks amazing (if cut in half!).

Since the bandages have come off, it was become very swollen, but conversely I have noticed an improvement in my core movement - the dressings were restricting me like a corset. I can now twist and bend a little further than I could before. Although it is scary with them off, I am constantly worried about nudging it and what my waistband will do to it.

It feels like I notice more numb ('blank') skin on a daily basis. The top of my thighs, buttocks and all over my back are just a swirling mass of skin with sensation mixing into 'blank' skin. When someone else touches my 'blank' skin, it feels like it should be 2 ins thick and muffled, but when I touch it, it is just skin. The boundaries between sensation and 'blank' skin seem to burn.. You know when it snows and you go outside without gloves and your fingers get so cold, that when you come back inside, they seem to burn as they warm up? That burning is the sensation all over my back, thighs and buttocks, as something touches the boundaries between my skin with sensation and my 'blank' skin. For example, pulling pants on, or sitting in a chair, burns until I am still. It is weird. I hope it settles down.

Paul took the kidlets to visit his sister and his dad in Cardiff this weekend, leaving me to recuperate on my own with my parents. Everyone needed a change of scenery. It has been quiet and restorative here. I have swung wildly between missing them like crazy and being relived at the peace. Before they went they had taken to putting on puppet shows for me, and I am eagerly awaiting their return tonight.

Range of movement on day 13/ improvements from day 8:
* Walking is still a slow shuffle with walking sticks, although I think I may be getting quicker. Stairs are definitely less of a challenge.
* I am now sturdy enough to shower myself, although I cant dress my lower half.
* 'Log rolling' in and out of bed gets easier every time I do it.
* Bending to sit is still getting easier, although it still gets worse as the day goes on
* I am still unable to bend because my back is too stiff. We are still putting my food plate on a tin to raise it up for me to eat without bending, and I brush my teeth using a pot to spit into etc.
* I have talk about my wound - it is swollen and bruised and tender and itchy, but healthy and neat.
* I have also talked about my 'blank' skin. I just hope it starts to improve, it is a horrible sensation.
* My feet are cold ALL of time. I have never experienced this before and can only blame the surgery, although I don't know why. Hot wallies rule the world!

All in all I am pleased with how things are on day 13. When I think about my fears beforehand, I have found the pain to be very real, but also very manageable.
I seem to have escaped all of the warnings that could have gone wrong during surgery, for the short term at least.

Most importantly, I have not felt any of the old pain from beforehand at any point and I am starting to dare to believe that I will actually get better and go on to be pain free.

Slowly, softly, surely, stronger, bigger and better.

Thanks for reading xxx

The Cavalry

I'm not sure that The Cavalry is the best term. We discussed it and googled many terms, but none of them are quite right so we settled on The Cavalry. But I think Honour Guard may have been a better term. Not honour guard as it is now a days, a bunch of soldiers forced to guard their leader, but as I imagine it would have been during the Roman invasion.

As an aside, if you ever get the opportunity to read the historical fiction books 'Boudicca', then you simply must, must, must. An honour guard to them was made up of family and best friends, sworn to love and protect each other until death.
I like to think I have 4 people in my honour guard.

Today I'd like to talk about my sister. Honour Guard and Cavalry woman extraordinaire.

Em lives a mile from my mums house, and as she is still unable to drive from her own surgery 3 weeks ago, she has walked down every day to help me shower and dress myself. As if by magic, she always arrives just at that frantic moment when you need back up the most. Like a sharp shooter, she surveys the situation, takes out the trouble maker, diffuses the ticking time bomb and enables everyone to get back to what they were doing.

There is nothing she hasn't turned her hand to this week : hair washer, sock putter onerer, breakfast maker, wound dressing changer, personal shopper, advise giver, nappy changer (not mine!) and smile giver.

You have been amazing this week Emooses. Washed me when I couldn't wash myself, supported Paul and M & D, and cared for my children. Love you xxxx

The Matron

After writing about The Pharmacist, I felt I needed to express my immense love and gratitude to The Matron. Finding the correct title was difficult, because it needed to cover and fit such a vast and ever changing role.

ma·tron
/ˈmātrən/
Noun
A woman in charge of domestic and medical arrangements at a boarding school or other establishment.

But after testing it out, I think it does fit.

When I went into hospital on the 25th, my mum without question came and stayed at our house. She took over my role and with the support of my dad, saw that the children went to school, that everyone was cared for, fed, watered, clean and in one piece, allowing Paul to concentrate on me. When school broke up for Easter, my parents whisked the children off to their house.

I have been out of hospital and we have been staying with my parents for a week tomorrow, with another week still ahead of us. My mum, The Matron, is just amazing.

Above and beyond all of your care, love and parenting of me and Paul, and all of your parenting of my kidlets. I shall forever be grateful for the extras- in the middle of the night, you have helped me limp to the toilet, you have cuddled me until the shivering has stopping, boiled the kettle and provided more hot wallies than I have ever relied on before and you have listened to my fears.

Love you Mummy xxx

The Pharmacist

Monday night.
One week post spinal fusion.

Pain governs my world right now. I used to think that tooth ache was the worst pain in the world. I now laugh in the face of tooth ache.
(Please please little old teeth of mine, this is not a contest, don't fail me right this minute, I'm attempting to make a point.)

My spine and my hips and my wound all ache to different degrees, most of the time right now. My wound is so swollen it is currently sticking out in a triangular shape (like I am growing a dorsal fin!), past my bum. Sitting is difficult to get comfy. If you had stitches in your finger, you would keep it out of harms way, you wouldn't attempt to rub it on the back of a chair, let alone put weight on it..

The hospital sent me home with 5 varieties of pill, none of them particularly effective (in my opinion), and my Dad took over the difficult job of pharmacist. It is difficult because I am like a junky constantly looking to score. The pills all differ in their qualities and in their quantities, so my amazing Dad set up a spreadsheet of pain relief to keep us both on track with what, when and why.

He spends all day clingy to the schedule, trying to eek out my pain relief to its maximum. I spend all day trying to sell my soul for an early hit 15 mins before its due, aware that 15 mins each time equals an hour by the end of the day... Which equals a looong night.

Lets not even get started on night times yet.

My pharmacist is doing an amazing job, even if I'm not over-flowing with immediate gratitude. Despite the pain, and my constant bargaining (whinging), I know what a brilliant job you are doing Daddy and I appreciate you so much. Love you xxx

Tuesday

8 days post spinal fusion.
This time last week I was embarking on my 2nd night in intensive care.

Paul returned to work today, and this morning my mum and my sister took me to the dr, whilst my dad stayed at home with the kidlets. My sister took pics of my first foray back out into the world - wearing my slippers.. Ha ha! The trip to the drs was exhausting, the car ride was so uncomfortable and I was relieved to come back to the safe cocoon my parents have created.

I went to bed when we got in (a nana nap!), and enjoyed listening to the children playing in the back garden through the open window. They played 'prince and princesses' (who apparently cuddle, but do not kiss!) and ran around. Blissful.

Range of movement on day 8/ improvements from day 5:
* Walking is still a slow shuffle with walking sticks
* I can now lift my arms above my head and I washed my own hair in the shower this morning! Go me!
* 'Log rolling' in and out of bed is still excruciating
* Bending to sit is getting easier, although it gets worse as the day goes on
* I am still unable to bend because my back is too stiff. The kidlets now know to go to the stairs and poke their heads through the banister so they are tall enough to kiss me, and we have taken to putting my food plate on a tin to raise it up for me to eat without bending
* My wound still ITCHES, and rather than feeling like it might burst, its starting to feel tight. I think this is a good sign of healing.
* I have noticed that I have a few 'blank' patches of skin around my wound, where I can't feel anything. I am aware of pressure, but no sensation. So scratching is frustratingly pointless!!

I leave you with some pics of bits and bobs from the last couple of days - plus my x-rays taken when I left hospital last Friday.. They make me shudder!

Easter weekend

Pics of what the children did today x x

B +5

Saturday morning.
5 days since spinal fusion.

I am home at my parents house. Paul collected me from hospital yesterday lunch time and we drove the hellish 1 hours journey (broken up in the middle with a Costa) to their house and the children.

What a relief it is to be home. The children are noisy (Niamh in particular, knows and loves me again and it is delightful). The house is so comfortable. Paul and my sister are here. My parents are loving me and taking care of me as only parents can (and as you can only truly appreciate once you become a parent) and I am just so happy to be surrounded by my family.

I am physically uncomfortable. The pain I feared beforehand is very real. Walking is currently a slow shuffle with walking sticks. There is no getting away from it. I laid in bed last might and cried over the ache. But I still havent encountered the 'catch' from beforehand, so I am actually winning.

For posterity's sake, my current status of movement on day 5:

* Walking is a slow shuffle with sticks
* Getting to a sitting position (bending my back and legs simultaneously) hurts
* 'Log rolling' (literally rolling your body like a stiff log) into bed hurts like a very rude word
* Bending to pick something up (or to kiss the kidlets) is not an option, I am simply too stiff
* My hips ache like another rude word
* I can't lift my arms higher than my shoulders as my back isn't strong enough
* My wound ITCHES! (Obviously I shouldn't be scratching it, it is bandaged and too new, but the irony of not being able to reach round and scratch it even if I did want to is not lost on me!)
* my wound is swollen. If you look at yourself in the mirror, side on, your spine dips in and curves in from your shoulders, before coming out again to form your buttocks. Mine currently drops down to my buttocks in a straight line. Looks most odd.

Improvements I am already noticing:

* From day 3 to day 5 my core movement has already improved enough for me to shuffle my hips and 'wiggle' slowly into a better position in bed, rather than getting out and starting a 'log roll' again.
* I can get out of bed on my own and with less discomfort
* I can wiggle my foot vigorously enough to get my slippers on by myself

Ok, they are little things - but they feel monumental right now.

And so starts day 5. Thanks for reading - I leave you with a few poignant shots of last 36 hrs xxxx