So this is the post we've all been waiting for. The one that I have been whinging on about. Just what is wrong with my Back? Can this women just move the hell on and get back to running?
Well, truth be told, I can't remember what the consultant actually said right now. There is a term, but it slipped into the recesses of my brain when my brain realised that I'm not crazy and that there is a problem.
I need to wait for the consultants letter to arrive to explain precisely what the issue is, but its genetic, its affecting 3 discs in my spine and I need to have surgery to fuse it. I will be in hospital for 4 nights, on bed rest for 2 weeks and then a slow recovery for up to 8 weeks...
That kind of hit me in the face really and that's why I stopped listening. My biggest fear this morning was being told there was nothing wrong, that I have a mental block against long term exercise. That I'm crazzzeeeeee.
Then I was told that there is a problem and I could see an image of my spine on the screen and it is clearly deformed, the middle one of the three affected vertebrae is set back from its neighbours and there is no fluid left. Or something. As I said, I don't really remember.
I'm scared. There are numerous expletives that better describe my feelings, but scared is a good one. I have talked endlessly about the pain, but I really thought that it would be something as simple as a trapped nerve, or my coil is in the wrong place and is touching something it shouldn't be. Not that I would need 4 nights in hospital. The pain is what scares me more than anything right now.
I have cried in the gym with Lucy, when she had to hit emergency stop on the treadmill because my leg had stopped moving. I have stood and cried on Vikki's doorstep when I couldn't bump the pushchair up her stairs. If Paul is late home from work and the children need to go to bed, I have been on my knees dressing Niamh and not been able to get up and I have distracted the kidlets from my temporary immobility with silly games. I have been terrified.
At the end of a busy day, my back pain makes me cry (and at all times really, we all know I love a good cry). But if the pain of recovery is worse than that, then I don't think I can bear it.
Man I hate my attitude. There are people with more pain than me in their lives, and they don't have the option of recovery.
Both my mother and my sister have had this surgery. I had never considered this would be similar. Their's was such a long time ago - when my mother had hers done it was pioneering surgery. I was small and terrified of the mahoosive scar she had running up her back. I was at university when my sister had hers done, so I don't have any real memories of it.
How the hell do I end a downbeat post like this?
With a spine joke of course! x x