Niamh and I accompanied Vikki, Barney and Livvi to their Monday morning opportunities group. We really enjoy going, and today we met a new little boy, an amazing boy who at his tiny age can count to stupidly high numbers and do complicated multiplication, but who can't communicate with you and who suffers from Pica (esssentially an eating disorder - see here) amongst other Autistic things. The little boys mother humbled me beyond believing, describing what he eats and the scary situations they have been in. I was yet again able to come home and count my blessings for my 'normal' family and recognise how extra strong some mothers need to be. How the heart can hold such love and admiration.
In the evening I went swimming and concentrated on practising my new techniques in front crawl and breast stroke.
Today I had a second interview! I have mentioned a telephone interview last week, and I was emailed to be invited along to a secondary recruitment event.. I think and hope it went well! More news on that as it arrives.. Keep your fingers crossed for me please!
Lucy had Niamh for me this morning, and I went and saw the Osteopath. We have agreed that we have reached the end of the Osteopathic treatment for me. I can gain relief from her, but she isn't going to be able to fix me. So with a heavy heart I chased my specialist appointment and this has come through for next Friday.
After the breastfeeding clinic, I spent some time finishing some bunting to 'help' Dave with his first official sound bath. (I talked about my sound therapy experience here, and he now has a live website http://www.nadasoundtherapy.co.uk/) When I say help, I mean to help set the tone and wish him luck! I hear the session went well over the weekend and I can't wait to hear all about it!
On Friday I spent a fabulous hour in school with Brenna. She was so excited for me going in and it was lovely to see her in situ. Lucy came and massaged me and Lochie came home from school with a certificate showing how well he had done this week. And Niamh got into the swing of things with me, before I went out for dinner with my 'Maman Delicioux' friends - friends I have met and made through the breast feeding clinic on a Thursday.
On Saturday we went to visit my Mum and Dad - I was somewhat worse for wear, and as Paul had arranged to cycle there, I was on my best behaviour taking the kidlets to karate before heading to my parents house. We had a fab weekend, and I was delighted to see my Sister, Brother in Law and Leif. My parents head on holiday this week, for a whole month, so I hope they have a fabulous time x x
We came home from my parents house, and I had my third swimming lesson. I feel like I am ending an amazing week on a low, but I need to note down my thoughts and feelings on my Back.
I am Back in denial and it aint no river in Egypt!
The damn thing is hideous. There I have said it. You will notice this is my second full week of no exercise. I try my best to ignore it, I'm pretty good at just getting on with it, but its always bloody there. Niggling away, ruining whatever I am doing. I am miserable. The two things I love to do, just for me, are exercise and sewing, and I can't do either - after finishing the bunting on Thursday, I was in excrusiating pain that evening. Similarly, my amazing disco dancing on Friday night lead to a hideous Back day on Saturday.
Now that I have a specialist appt through, I sat with Paul today and have made a list of things that cause me pain. I am outraged at how I have had to modify my life since Christmas. I feel so sad - I have become so sedentry, and I worked so hard last year to become so full of movement.
Activities that cause me acute pain:
Running (fast walking sometimes!)
Swinging my leg over my bike, sometimes being on my bike actual
Sewing - the action of lifting my foot for the pedal, and bending over the machine is painful
Wearing my long boots - again, the action of lifting my foot and stooping to put them on, is painful (Some days I can't even take my own socks off)
Lifting the kidlets into the car, or carrying Niamh on one hip
Collecting tesco shopping bags, bending to pick them up and put them in my kitchen
Jerking/making sudden movement
'bumping' my pushchair up steps
bending to do anything, likethe washing machine etc
Sitting on tall or low chairs, where I am arkwardly positioned.
The pain is not constant. I refer to it as a 'catch'. Something in my back gets caught, and when it catches I am immobile for a moment, unable to go back into the position I just left, or forward to complete the movement I was attempting. Rather like a labour contraction, I forget the pain until the next 'catch' and then immediately it arrives I am thrust into a wave of painful remembering. And so I just grind to a halt and wait for it to pass.
And that is the crux. I feel like I am waiting. Waiting to get better? Waiting to get worse? Just waiting to get Back to my life.. I had thought I was getting better, but actually I am doing less and less to compensate.
Paul has entered, amongst other things, an Iron Man distance triathlon this year, and we have been watching some short videos on youtube. Just interviews and the like with the pro-athletes, and this video called' defeat' has really spoken to me.
Don't misunderstand me, I am aware than I'm not a pro-athlete, sometimes I'm not even just an athlete, but there is something in this short video that makes me believe in myself again. They talk about attitude and effort - and being defeated is not being able to give my best effort.
Particularly listen to what Leanda Cave at 03:25 and then immediately afterwards, listen to Linsey Corbin starting at 03:52 - exercise that I just do for enjoyment and health. They talk about being defeated by the boundaries set by your own body - your goals shift, from I want to try and win, to, I really hope that I am going to be able to breath without pain. And being afraid of not being able to get back to that level of fitness.
So yeah, I'm not an athlete, I'm a house wife, I get that, but just listen. They talk about my fears better than I can.
And then to lighten the mood. This. Just this. Yes please little rhino, I totally get it.